tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73814295255891564572024-03-13T08:33:11.119-07:00Life Among PiratesLifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-15050769690446249112013-12-22T08:57:00.000-08:002013-12-24T20:44:17.282-08:00All I Want For Christmas is a Free Pass<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For the first time in 23 years, my husband and I have decided to forego exchanging Christmas gifts. We have a lifetime of cheerful holiday memories but a long history of misfires when it comes to giving gifts to one another. There was the year he bought me a vacuum cleaner. Or the Christmas I gave him a Kenneth Cole button-down that he never wore, because he insisted I had accidentally purchased a woman's shirt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It all began during our first year of dating. With giddy expectations of our first Christmas together, I proposed the idea of presenting one another with gifts that were not purchased but handmade, inspired by our new love. For several days, I created a mix tape of romantic ballads that memorialized the progression of our relationship, and filled an entire poster board with handwritten sentiments about how grateful I was to have found my soul mate. (Mind you, this was 1991, and I was seventeen.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On Christmas morning, we met for the momentous gift exchange. My naive, teenage female brain had already concocted so many hopelessly impossible scenarios that I'd already unwittingly set him up for failure. Even so, nothing could have prepared me for what I received: a solid wooden cylinder holding a toothbrush, with a plastic tube running from the head to the opening of a travel-sized tube of toothpaste attached to the end.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He proceeded to explain how the requirement to make a present had given him a huge amount of stress all week, and that on Christmas Eve he still had no gift and no ideas. He had paced all night and finally walked into his bathroom (apparently to brush his teeth), at which time he was suddenly inspired to invent an all-in-one toothbrush that dispensed toothpaste with one swift pump. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not making any of this up. To this day, there are no words to adequately explain what was going through his seventeen-year old brain that night, confounded by a combination of sleep deprivation and sheer desperation. I still have the contraption in a box labeled "Our Mementos", because someday I will give it to one of my sons when he has royally screwed up with a girl he loves. I will show him the wooden handle where my husband wrote my name and scrawled a little heart in bright blue marker, and I will tell him: "Look, this is what your dad gave me for a Christmas present. And I still married him."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But to be fair, our history of poorly chosen gifts is a mutual one. It's not even Christmas, and 2013's gift-giving debacle already belongs to me. It can be summed up in two words: Hoodie Footie. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you’ve never heard of this trademarked article of clothing, the Hoodie Footie is a plush one-piece pajama that comes with attached booties and a hood. Or, as I like to describe it: It's a little piece of heaven on earth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I purchased one last winter after realizing I’m the only person who constantly feels cold in the house. The kids, on the other hand, spend most of their lives at home not wearing shirts, even in the dead of winter… because boys, I suppose, need to cool off from constantly jumping off furniture and swinging from stair railings. And since I’m outnumbered, I'll never win the battle over the thermostat.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then one day, I received in the mail a Pajamagram catalog featuring the Hoodie Footie on the front cover.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The marketing for the Hoodie Footie always makes me laugh. There’s usually an attractive blond woman wearing one in pink (or leopard print), with an alluring look on her face… as if there is anything remotely sexy about a Hoodie Footie. But never mind the disingenous advertising. The plush microfleece fabric, built-in slippers that zip on and off, and thick wrist cuffs with thumb holes were all too tempting to pass up. In haste, I ordered myself a Pajamagram, which arrived a week later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was not disappointed. I wore my pink Hoodie Footie all last winter without complaining once about the cold, and I found myself napping a lot more often... both of which were positives, in my opinion. So this year, I ordered my husband a blue Hoodie Footie as an early Christmas gift and told him he was about to experience a little piece of heaven.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I don’t think so,” he shook his head reluctantly, when I presented it to him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Trust me,” I insisted, “You will thank me for this later.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Well, why don't you wrap it up and give it to me on Christmas?" he suggested.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Because it's cold enough for you to wear it now," I exclaimed happily. (It was early November.) "You can enjoy it for two whole months in advance!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One Saturday morning, he informed me that he was headed to the gym after finishing a book assignment. I slyly suggested he might be more comfortable reading in a Hoodie Footie. He muttered something under his breath but finally agreed to try it on. Before I knew it, he was out cold. Four hours later, we had the following conversation: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me: You’re still sleeping? </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Him: What time is it? This Hoodie Footie is like kryptonite. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me: Isn’t it fabulous? </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Him: No, it’s not. I missed my run. I feel lazy. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me: Napping is like hibernating. Now you’re all recharged for Spring. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Him: Hibernating is for bears. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me: Well, you look adorable. Like a giant blue smurf. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He wore it only two more times after that. On both days, I found him languishing from oversleeping. A few days ago, he handed me the blue little piece of heaven. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I think I’m allergic to this,” he remarked. “You’ve got to put it away.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having struck out on the early Christmas present, I attempted to make a last minute replacement this week by buying him something from Lululemon Athletica. Apparently, this company claims to have invented a fabric that neutralizes sweat, such that you can perspire in the same shirt over and over without reeking of body odor. At least that is how he explained the $100 price tag for a t-shirt he bought last year. (I believe these were his exact words: "I can run in this shirt every day for a whole week, and only wash it once on the weekend. Think of all the loads of laundry we save.")</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first problem with buying a present from Lululemon Athletica is that the store is so exclusive and trendy that it does not even have a name in front. Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, Lululemon Athletica is apparently not spelled out but only designated by a symbol that looks like the Greek letter Omega. The store is like an underground club that only stylish, athletic types know about, and I am obviously not a member.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I spent over half an hour just trying to locate the store. For some people, strolling through a shopping mall the week before Christmas makes for a pleasant opportunity to window shop and try samples of perfume. For me, dragging a two-year old through crowds of holiday shoppers--while trying to find some elitist clothing store without a name--sucked every last ounce of Christmas spirit out of me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So when I finally arrived at the store, I was already not in the mood to shop. Two minutes later, I walked out empty-handed, still in shock from every price tag I examined ($15 for a pair of gym socks?!?) and slightly annoyed by the svelte, young saleswoman in a skin-tight yoga outfit who kept asking me to feel the material of the men's shirts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I have no Christmas present for you this year," I confessed reluctantly to my husband that night. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He stiffened in surprise. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I thought we weren't exchanging gifts this year," he replied. "Remember, you gave me a free pass?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is true. Back in March, I proposed this arrangement as we were standing in front of a jewelry counter choosing my birthday present. ("It's too expensive," I remember saying, admiring the bracelet he would later wrap up as my gift. "If you buy it, why don't you have a free pass for every other holiday this year?")</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No, I remember," I nodded, "You're definitely off the hook. I just thought I could have come up with a nice present for you."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Don't worry about it," he smiled. "Really."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He meant it. When it comes to presents, he's always cared a lot less than me anyway. The Hoodie Footie might possibly be the worst gift I’ve ever bought him. At least the Dyson vacuum cleaner gets a lot of use around here. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But alas, every mistake in life can be redeemed for a noble purpose. I plan to lay the blue Hoodie Footie to rest right beside my homemade toothpaste-dispensing toothbrush. And someday, when one of my grown sons needs a reminder, I will take it out and say: "Look, this is the ugly Hoodie Footie I gave your dad as a present one year. It was a bad idea from the start... but it never truly mattered and we had a good laugh about it. Because, son, there's so much more to a good marriage than what fits inside a box."</span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-52140867713507099242013-10-26T20:24:00.000-07:002014-02-11T11:27:03.750-08:00A Minecraft Halloween Party<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Right now, my husband is untouchable. I mean, the guy can do no wrong around here. A few weekends ago, he found me despairing over a </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">stockpile of cardboard boxes I'd accumulated for the last several weeks. We're having a Minecraft party for our boys, and I had my heart set on making a </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">life-size Enderman with glowing eyes. (If</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> you've never heard of Minecraft, my guess is you don't interact much with boys under
the age of 10, especially the geeky variety that live in my house.) </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, I often come up with ideas that I can't engineer into reality. That's why I'm so glad I married Macgyver.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SrDX22cUuhU/UmiAoBT3WhI/AAAAAAAAA0Q/0SHbtvKns_Y/s1600/endermanoriginal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SrDX22cUuhU/UmiAoBT3WhI/AAAAAAAAA0Q/0SHbtvKns_Y/s320/endermanoriginal.jpg" height="320" width="248" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I need your skills," I lamented to him, late on a Sunday evening. I handed him a picture of the towering humanoid mob with gangly arms and legs known </span><span style="font-size: small;">as an Enderman (on the left), and then pointed to the mess of boxes and duct tape I'd gathered as building materials. Slowly, I laid out my idea of fashioning the beast out of cardboard, battery operated tealights and crepe paper streamers. The plan sounded even more ridiculous when I heard myself explain it out loud.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mC2RJctfzC8/Umk179gI6iI/AAAAAAAAA1E/awA4efmBiY8/s1600/enderman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mC2RJctfzC8/Umk179gI6iI/AAAAAAAAA1E/awA4efmBiY8/s320/enderman.jpg" height="320" width="249" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Twenty four hours later, he finished constructing a six-foot Enderman out of cardboard, with a lamp kit rigged inside. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My
boys went bonkers when they saw it. I mean, it was like Christmas in
October. Here's the finished product in our backyard, with two of the
boys wearing their Halloween costumes. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Like all of his projects, there were no building plans or instructions of any kind... the man is a genius but he never writes anything down. So this is my sketchy version: He started with the head and body, which are two boxes attached with duct tape. For the arm</span>s and legs, he cut flat boards into the right lengths, and then scored them with a utility knife to create straight folds. </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because the Enderman is so top heavy, he added weights on the bottom of each leg to anchor it. After securing all the pieces with duct tape, he sprayed black metallic paint over the entire creature. After two coats, he sprayed glossy black paint (with stencils he created from leftover cardboard) to create the pixelated details. For the eyes, he used clear magenta-colored cellophane paper. Don't ask me how he rigged the light bulb inside the head, but it works and it looks really cool at night! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With the Enderman finished, the rest of the Minecraft party was easy. Here are a few of of our other Minecraft party ideas. </span></span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-02timWhy988/UmiD7eHqoSI/AAAAAAAAA0k/kjCJqzass_E/s1600/candybox2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-02timWhy988/UmiD7eHqoSI/AAAAAAAAA0k/kjCJqzass_E/s320/candybox2.jpg" height="320" width="249" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Minecraft is all about building blocks, which translates well into party favors! I bought clear wedding favor boxes, and filled them with brown and green jelly beans (grass and dirt) and silver candy coated chocolate nuggets (stone). The TNT boxes were filled with Twizzlers cut into small strips. I wish I could take credit for these favors, but I got the idea from Pinterest. So many amazing, crafty moms out there!</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vjoRD0CjLYY/UmrIpbnef0I/AAAAAAAAA2M/Av0Di0aVUM4/s1600/cookies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vjoRD0CjLYY/UmrIpbnef0I/AAAAAAAAA2M/Av0Di0aVUM4/s320/cookies.jpg" height="320" width="249" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These frosted sugar cookies were a lot simpler to make than they appear. I created the graphics on Photoshop, and sent them to a bakery to print onto 8" x 10" icing sheets. These sheets are gluten-free, dairy-free and completely edible. I cut each paper-thin sheet into 2" x 2" squares, and then laid each image on top of a sugar cookie, with a thin layer of cake frosting underneath. Scroll down to the bottom for the printable cookie sheets.</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BgBCOZiNLY0/Um3Q_SwLbaI/AAAAAAAAA24/JiH2Y9TKSHc/s1600/drinks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BgBCOZiNLY0/Um3Q_SwLbaI/AAAAAAAAA24/JiH2Y9TKSHc/s320/drinks.jpg" height="320" width="249" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the Minecraft world, players can create their own potions by adding ingredients (such as Nether Wart, Glowstone Dust, and Fermented Spider Eye) to water bottles at "brewing stands". So I decided it would be fun to create a beverage station inspired by Minecraft, with a menu card borrowed from the game interface. Making the potions required no alchemy on my part: Just mix water and Kool-Aid powder. </span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UqCvnxDliag/Ump56ZDgHcI/AAAAAAAAA1k/LSRU_K99-lY/s1600/minepump1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UqCvnxDliag/Ump56ZDgHcI/AAAAAAAAA1k/LSRU_K99-lY/s320/minepump1.jpg" height="320" width="249" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally, because it's Halloween, I found a template for the boxy pumpkin from the game. Funny thing is that in Minecraft, the pumpkins spawn with jack o'lantern faces already carved into them. To create our cardboard pumpkin, I produced the graphic (enlarged to measure 10" x 10") from our color printer and applied all five sides to a cardboard box. Finally, I painted a few real pumpkins to match, and then turned two squashes into creepers. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, we're all waiting for fifteen boys, aged 9 and under, to arrive at our house. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And when the party is all over, at least we have an Enderman to remember it by. I'm thinking we could use it as a night light or maybe it can stand guard in the foyer to ward off unwanted solicitors. As my oldest son remarked: "It's a little creepy. But in a good way."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PRINTABLES:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are the printable cookie sheets for your party! </span><br />
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LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-17876818669526788982013-10-04T08:42:00.000-07:002013-10-04T10:35:58.502-07:00How To Make a Quick Twenty Bucks (According to My Kids)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Last Saturday, my oldest son's soccer team had their first big win. Six to nothing. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">My 9-year old was happy because he scored one goal during the first half, and then played goalie the second half without letting a single ball fly past him. Usually, I don’t get very excited about soccer games, but this one was pretty extraordinary.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“That was an incredible game,” I remarked to my son after all the handshakes and high fives were exchanged. “Your defense was great. And your teammate Gabe was a scoring maniac today.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Gabe was awesome,” he replied, beaming with pride for his winning team. “He gets twenty bucks every time he scores a goal.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I paused in mid-stride. “What did you just say?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Gabe's grandma gives him twenty dollars for every goal he scores,” he replied matter of factly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“That can’t be right,” I remarked. “Twenty bucks? He’s probably joking.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No, he’s serious,” he shook his head in complete earnestness. “That’s why Gabe tries so hard.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A moment of tacit understanding passed between us before he </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">launched into a summary of the game highlights. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I knew there would be no follow-up conversation from him to strike the same financial deal in our family. For better or worse, my oldest son isn’t particularly motivated by rewards, especially money. This is a good quality in the sense that he’s not especially materialistic; but it’s also problematic because he isn't readily incentivized to complete chores or improve his grades. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nevertheless, the price of a soccer goal wasn't all that surprising since my 7-year old had served up a similarly </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">newsworthy tidbit a few weeks ago. At t</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">he time, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">he'd just yanked out another wiggly tooth. Upon </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">proudly presenting the baby incisor to me, he asked why the Tooth Fairy never visited our house.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By his count, he’d already lost (rather unceremoniously in his opinion) five whole teeth before realizing that</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> other kids were getting paid for something he’d inadvertently given away for free.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“So, can you ask the Tooth Fairy to come tonight?” he suggested eagerly. “How much do you think she’ll bring me?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Let me think about this," I replied slowly. "I seem to recall it was about a quarter per tooth in my day. So, given the rate of inflation over thirty years--” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“There’s a girl in my class who gets twenty bucks for every tooth!” he exclaimed before I could finish my calculations. I had to give the kid credit for instinctively understanding two cardinal rules of negotiation: First, control the negotiation by going first; and second, always aim high with your opening offer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Twenty bucks?” I cried. “That’s the going rate for a tooth these days… <i>Really</i>?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You know there’s no Tooth Fairy,” my 9-year old interjected. “And if you get any money at all, I wouldn’t complain. I've never gotten a single penny for my teeth.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After recovering from the sticker shock, I felt compelled to apologize for never having staged a tooth exchange in the middle of the night for either of them. The list of childhood traditions we hadn't celebrated had grown by one. I had discounted Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny from the start, but I'd always liked the idea of a quirky lady who flies around the world on a shopping spree. Reeling from the guilt, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I pictured my second son lying on a therapist’s couch years later. I imagined him revisiting, in painstaking detail, a bereft childhood in which the Tooth Fairy never left a crisp Andrew Jackson under his pillow and the generic knockoff Elf on the Shelf sat on the shelf all December because someone kept forgetting to move him. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, despite an initial surge of inspiration brought on by guilt, I completely forgot about our conversation later that night. While my newly toothless 7-year old slept in his bed with dormant anticipation, his 5-year old brother woke up after midnight complaining of a stomach ache. A few minutes later, the little guy regurgitated his dinner on the floor of the bathroom. An hour after I cleaned up the mess, he delivered the remnants of his lunch as a bonus.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Needless to say, the next morning I awoke to an indignant scream: “The Tooth Fairy forgot me!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I rushed in and found the poor kid holding his tooth in one hand with an expression of utter bewilderment and destitution. I fumbled through a lame explanation and assured him the Tooth Fairy would not fail him tonight. While I considered how to remedy the situation, my imaginary grown son kept rambling to his future therapist in my head.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next morning, he received a five dollar bill and the following handwritten note:</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please forgive me for not making it to your pillow yesterday.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I meant to buy your tooth last night, but on my way in, I bumped into the Vomit Cleaning Fairy.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She looked very busy, so I decided to wait one day to visit you. I see y</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ou've left me a nice tooth, and I am pleased to give you five dollars for it.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Enjoy! </span> </blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Yours Truly, the Tooth Fairy</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The child was ecstatic. He ran around the house screaming and parading his newfound fortune for all to admire. To him, this was as hard-earned as any day’s wage. He had bravely extracted a tooth with his own bare hands and thereafter negotiated a payout that set a precedent for all his brothers to benefit. When he finished his celebratory rounds, I saw him carefully and proudly deposit a crumpled Abraham Lincoln into his plastic bank. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which brings me back to last Saturday. For a moment that day, I considered whether twenty bucks might actually represent a fair market price for a soccer goal, especially considering the buyer was a loving grandmother. I compared the relative worth of a point-scoring kick versus a baby tooth. (The former required skill to produce, while the latter</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> was </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">limited in supply and endowed with sentimental value.) In the end, I realized it didn’t matter. Twenty dollars, which initially struck me as inflated, simply represented one of many expressions of a parent or grandparent’s love. And love can never be commodified. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also realized I was proud of my boys. One son had always been content to score goals for free, while the other had happily accepted five dollars from an opening offer of twenty. What's more, even with over a dozen teeth lost between them, neither had truly minded that the Tooth Fairy had been delinquent all these years. To me, that </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">alone was priceless.</span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-48668433653701756682013-08-26T14:57:00.001-07:002013-08-28T07:40:49.296-07:00Confession #9: I Didn't Cry on the First Day of School<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week, I received a much-needed bit of parenting advice from an unlikely source: my personal trainer (who has no children of his own). Now first off, I feel compelled to throw out this disclaimer: I employ a personal trainer not for the purpose of looking svelte and well-toned on the beach. I’m hardly <i>that</i> type of woman. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. But, just so we’re clear, I pay a trainer who forces me to do situps, pushups and various exercises involving a kettle bell for only one reason: so I can enjoy some regularly scheduled peace and quiet away from home. On Wednesday nights, I make a beeline out of my house for the sake of, ahem... exercise, of course! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Goodbye, boys!” I usually holler as I hastily sneak out the back door before one of them realizes I’m gone. “Hopefully you'll be in bed when I come home!” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chances are one of the boys is mid-sentence and halfway out the door (“But Mom, when are you coming back? I need—”) when I make my getaway to the gym.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I digress. This past Wednesday, I casually mentioned to my trainer how excited I was that school was starting the next day. “But I’ve noticed,” I remarked in between crunches, “that every other mom I know is sad about the first day of school. So many women seem weepy and sentimental about how much they’ll miss their kids during the day.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I took a deep breath, the mom guilt flooding over me, and confessed: “Either I am the worst mom out there, or my boys are menaces compared to other people’s kids.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The truth is, the summer had lasted long enough. The family took one big vacation and then spent the rest of the summer getting on each other's nerves at home. Granted, our vacation consisted of visiting seven countries in over three weeks, and should have provided enough action to last the rest of the summer. And while the trip satisfied my husband’s and my own wanderlust, the kids probably would have been just as happy spending three weeks at the neighborhood pool eating hot dogs and practicing their cannonballs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Case in point: The only memory my 4-year old has apparently retained from all of our travels in Europe is--<i>not </i>the view at dusk of the Eiffel Tower from the River Seine or the morning we ran circles around Stonehenge <i>but rather</i>--one wildly exaggerated story of how Daddy almost got his body chopped in half in a London Underground station. I would explain, but the truth is a lot less exciting than the version he spins.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then, of course, after returning to the States, the boys dawdled away the next two months by engaging primarily in the following three activities: (1) </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bickering non-stop about who accidentally smacked the other first with the iPad; (2) </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fashioning ninja stars and other weapons out of copier paper, and then waging battles that ended with scraps of paper (“scrapnel”) strewn all over the house; and (3) Coming up with “epic” versions of popular songs by replacing the word “poop” in the lyrics (for example, “Poopy Gangnam Style”, “Don’t Poop at Night” and this little gem that is performed with, um… dance moves, to put it delicately: “Everybody Poop Now”). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And oh, the noise. It was noisy all the time, every day, around here. And I don’t mean the kind of giggly, happy kind of noisy that makes you feel sentimental about your kids growing up too fast. The brand of noisy that exists in my house is the Guantanamo Bay variety that deprives you of all rational thought and makes you want to confess to being a terrorist just to stop all that high-decibel yelling and stampeding. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So during the last few weeks of summer, I started feeling giddy whenever I thought about the first day of school approaching. After all, it's not like I had managed to make that DIY water slide for the backyard that looked so easy on Pinterest, or put together a single picnic lunch like I'd dreamily imagined in the Spring. I had reached an all time low by letting the boys binge-watch Disney shows on Netflix so I could sneak on my laptop for a few hours of solitude. And last Wednesday, the singular thought of soon having quiet time to read or write during the day, made the stomach crunches all that much easier. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But, unfortunately... the mom guilt kept bothering me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Should I feel sad?” I asked, mostly to myself. “Is there something wrong with me? Does this make me a bad mom?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My trainer, who is part drill sergeant and part therapist, replied, “Let me ask you one question. How many kids do these ‘sad moms’ have?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought about it for a moment. “I guess most of them have one or two.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Four,” he replied, holding out his fingers. “Don’t forget you have <i>four</i>. Give yourself a break.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess he meant we all need a little perspective when we're afraid we don't measure up. It's easy to forget this <i>perspective</i> while you're trying unsuccessfully to produce tears during the morning sendoff (when you're actually thrilled to have the next hour to play Words with Friends over breakfast). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, thank you, personal trainer, for the free parenting advice that came with last week’s ab workout.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My two oldest boys are off to school this week, my preschooler is about to start his half-day program next week, and I will resolve not to feel guilty about relishing whatever quiet time I can muster with the feisty 2-year old I still have at home.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s only Monday, and I already feel like a new woman.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The house is clean.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The baby is napping.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I’m so recharged I might even break out in a few lines of “Everybody Poop Now.”</span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-78355661316818141882013-05-16T19:26:00.002-07:002015-02-28T21:07:28.422-08:00Confession #8: Maybe It's Time to Take Up Birdwatching<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zlcIe0gBL8E/UZofCUStcMI/AAAAAAAAAx0/ttBs0-8ZyXA/s1600/plate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zlcIe0gBL8E/UZofCUStcMI/AAAAAAAAAx0/ttBs0-8ZyXA/s200/plate.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After writing about the abundance of boy-related vanity plates </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">around town</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> (see my previous </span><a href="http://lifeamongpirates.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-little-serendipity-lot-of-boys.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">blog entry</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> on "5BOYS"), I thought it would be fun to visually document the phenomena.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I spend a lot of idle time in parking lots anyway, waiting to pick up the boys from school and extracurricular activities.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I figured I could use that time patrolling for license plates, and it might make for an interesting hobby.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"That's not a hobby," my husband shook his head, when I told him
what I was up to. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"How is it any different from, say, birdwatching?" I asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Apparently some people spend entire
weekends looking for rare birds."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Birdwatching is a legitimate sport," he answered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Well, I guess it's not a sport.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there are official field guides on birds."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Well, this is my version of birdwatching," I retorted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"So can you canvass your side of town
when you're at work, and I'll cover the suburbs?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"No," he replied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I'm
not going to take pictures of license plates for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's just odd. And a complete waste of time."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"You wouldn't even have to get out of the car," I replied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You could just whip out your iPhone if
you happened to spot one at a red light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How difficult would that be?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He grimaced and shook his head again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"You are so weird. Did I mention this sounds like a huge waste of time?"</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wSryBGXJN0U/UZohoPM8VmI/AAAAAAAAAyg/O8FjOYz-pYk/s1600/plate1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wSryBGXJN0U/UZohoPM8VmI/AAAAAAAAAyg/O8FjOYz-pYk/s200/plate1.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Having hit a dead end with him, I decided to solicit help from my next of
kin: my sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few days later, she
sent me a photo of "3SONSMOM." </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Her picture was just the motivation I needed.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I figured I'd see how many license plates I
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ip0EqCXSLYE/UZohp3mu1vI/AAAAAAAAAyo/uiBZim_j0Yc/s1600/plateboyz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ip0EqCXSLYE/UZohp3mu1vI/AAAAAAAAAyo/uiBZim_j0Yc/s200/plateboyz.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On Monday, I snapped a photo of "TWO
BOYZ" in the school parking lot.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This
was kind of a freebie because I see the black SUV bearing this plate almost
every day in the pickup line.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few months ago, I met the mom who owns this plate at a birthday party. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think I awkwardly blurted out something like, "So you're
TWO BOYZ!" when we were introduced. As if I need another reason to be a nerd.</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DfeLSjPJzkw/Ui4BTr8WU0I/AAAAAAAAAzI/5JX0HMXWnjc/s1600/bltrboyz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DfeLSjPJzkw/Ui4BTr8WU0I/AAAAAAAAAzI/5JX0HMXWnjc/s200/bltrboyz.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here's another "BOYZ" plate I snapped after soccer practice. I'm guessing it belongs to a family named Butler.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LjrJ6yF_Du0/UhA0E0KuAiI/AAAAAAAAAy4/Vbvq8HohskQ/s1600/2gr8boys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LjrJ6yF_Du0/UhA0E0KuAiI/AAAAAAAAAy4/Vbvq8HohskQ/s200/2gr8boys.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LjrJ6yF_Du0/UhA0E0KuAiI/AAAAAAAAAy4/Vbvq8HohskQ/s1600/2gr8boys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P-SMG4gCJu0/UZogBjF3kNI/AAAAAAAAAyQ/L5zZ9VvDUgc/s200/highlander12.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I see "2GR8BOYS" around town a lot. Incidentally, I also spotted "3GR8SONZ" at a traffic light but wasn't quick enough to capture a photo of it. It has become by great white whale.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This one took me a little while to figure out, but I finally concluded that "DBOYZ NI" is license plate slang for "The Boys and I." </span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_i5lIgyqkAM/VPKdKJqA2jI/AAAAAAAAA68/vIcbstV3VN0/s1600/da3boys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_i5lIgyqkAM/VPKdKJqA2jI/AAAAAAAAA68/vIcbstV3VN0/s1600/da3boys.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Continuing on the same theme... I snapped a photo of "DA3BOYZ" at a red light some time later. </span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eHC6nsDNChE/Uop72duShKI/AAAAAAAAA3U/GYtxDVB6p4g/s200/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eHC6nsDNChE/Uop72duShKI/AAAAAAAAA3U/GYtxDVB6p4g/s200/photo.JPG" height="200" width="175" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here's another one my sister sent me. She captured this "MOM4BOYS" plate at night.</span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3mzkCZBhesw/VPKc7i2ujqI/AAAAAAAAA60/FiF8A8rIXuU/s1600/my4sons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3mzkCZBhesw/VPKc7i2ujqI/AAAAAAAAA60/FiF8A8rIXuU/s1600/my4sons.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another SUV with 4 boys... I wanted to roll down my window and call out "me too!" when I saw "MY4SONS" at an intersection.</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tOiNNaEA9FE/U92ooqLX-bI/AAAAAAAAA5c/yX2rVmissDI/s1600/my3xys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tOiNNaEA9FE/U92ooqLX-bI/AAAAAAAAA5c/yX2rVmissDI/s1600/my3xys.jpg" height="200" style="cursor: move;" width="175" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I saw this car on a rainy night, and loved the not-so-obvious, slightly geeky way of describing three boys!</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ezP0syRpIhM/UrhX8PB7PfI/AAAAAAAAA38/G0wdv6YIbbU/s200/boysrul.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ezP0syRpIhM/UrhX8PB7PfI/AAAAAAAAA38/G0wdv6YIbbU/s200/boysrul.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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This quality of this photo is pretty poor, but I like the message on this plate: "BOYS RUL". Yes, they do!</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0S6WvXsld6U/U92ooygbFoI/AAAAAAAAA5g/sHAVBa4s7TI/s1600/my3son.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0S6WvXsld6U/U92ooygbFoI/AAAAAAAAA5g/sHAVBa4s7TI/s1600/my3son.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F772EKxK_vo/UZof5qym-8I/AAAAAAAAAyE/qcsJuTlstzo/s1600/plate6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F772EKxK_vo/UZof5qym-8I/AAAAAAAAAyE/qcsJuTlstzo/s200/plate6.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sadly, the quality of this photo is terrible. Blame it on the fact that I had four boys in the car throwing Cheetos at each other while I made the discovery at a red light. I'm guessing the plate either belongs to a mom with three boys, or the baby of the family got a car for his birthday and his mom picked out the vanity plate.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the course of one week, I spotted "4ARROWS" three times. This is probably a reference to Psalm 127:4, which refers to children as arrows in the hands of a warrior. Older translations of the Bible use the word "sons" instead of the gender-neutral "children", so at first I thought the plate belonged to a fellow mom of four boys. But the second time I saw the minivan, I noticed a stick figure family on the rear windshield. I realized that said arrows were in fact three sons who enjoy basketball, weightlifting and soccer... and finally a daughter who dances ballet. So technically, this one doesn't really belong in my collection... but I like it nonetheless.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And then there was "3FELAS&I". I passed this plate at a stoplight and assumed it had something to do with cats. Unfortunately, after the light turned green, I realized it was Southern license plate slang for "Three Fellows and I". Alas, I circled back in hopes of finding the sedan bearing this plate, but it was gone. </span><br />
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On Friday night, I thought I spotted "3BOYSMOM" on a Toyota Sienna ahead of us. I let out a giddy scream, startling my husband who was driving. Energized by the good fortune, I frantically gesticulated to catch up to the black minivan in the right lane. He obliged, muttering, "I can't believe I'm doing this for you." I unrolled the window and held out my camera like a seasoned member of the paparazzi. After scrutinizing the photos, however, I realized that the plate actually read "3BY30MOM"... probably belonging instead to a woman who had three kids by the time she was 30 years old.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">And alas, my final sighting, "MI3SUNZ", was </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">likely a legitimate boy-related plate, but it was too dark that night for me to capture a good photo as evidence. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">During my <span style="font-size: small;">little </span>enterprise, I was surprised that I never encountered any license plates referencing daughters. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
scarcity of girl-related license plates started to bother me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began coming up with my own theories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Perhaps </span>there is a some kind of misogynistic
conspiracy <span style="font-size: small;">in</span> the DMV. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or maybe mothers
of girls are more creative and therefore come up with vanity plates that don't
state the obvious.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I asked a few moms their
opinion on this question.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They all gave
me variations of the same answer: "Girls are easy. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Raising boys is a tough, thankless job. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">If you're a mom of a boy, y</span>ou might as well come up with your own badge
of honor, even if it's just a license plate."<span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S-u3cU5p2Hs/UZofXpkdZeI/AAAAAAAAAx8/BVZGF93aFVA/s1600/myplate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S-u3cU5p2Hs/UZofXpkdZeI/AAAAAAAAAx8/BVZGF93aFVA/s200/myplate.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">On that note, my own vanity plate finally came
in the mail.<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">I<span style="font-size: small;">t might be the last plate <span style="font-size: small;">I add to </span>my collection, bec<span style="font-size: small;">ause as much as I hate to admit it to my husband, <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">it might be </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ti<span style="font-size: small;">me to resign this fake hobby of mine.<span style="font-size: small;"> Summer's almost here, and there will be plenty of easier ways to waste time. I might even try birdwatching.</span></span></span></div>
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and bizarre to my female brain. It's tempting
to poke fun at things you don't understand. However, this week I realized the converse is
true: A woman is just as likely to engage in behavior that is utterly absurd
and pointless to the male brain. For
example, if you're a woman, you're probably familiar with the following <span style="font-size: small;">type of i</span>mage:</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sNeYYvRRn9o/UXBvh_ZRcQI/AAAAAAAAAsY/Pzdg_uWyAqE/s1600/polyvore1.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sNeYYvRRn9o/UXBvh_ZRcQI/AAAAAAAAAsY/Pzdg_uWyAqE/s320/polyvore1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you're a man, a little explanation may be required. You see, there is a segment of the female
population that enjoys creating virtual <span style="font-size: small;">outfits</span> like the above, and then sharing
them with other women on sites like Pinterest or Polyvore. Their fashion ensembles are often posted with
pithy comments like: "Perfect outfit for a<span style="font-size: small;"> summer </span>garden party!" And, you must understand that no detail is
spared on these compilations. We're not
talking about simply pairing a blouse with a coordinating skirt. These women have scoured the Internet for matching
heels, earrings, two choices of necklaces, a <span style="font-size: small;">handbag</span> that can double as a crossbody purse
if you switch out the strap, sunglasses in case said garden party takes place
at high noon, sparkly hairband for wind contingency, the precise hue of Revlon
nail polish and lipstick to accent aforementioned hairband, lacy bra and pa<span style="font-size: small;">nties </span><span style="font-size: small;">intended</span> to be worn under outfit, and a complementary perfume that smells
like hibiscus.</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This "hobby" is basically the modern day, adult version of playing
dress up with paper dolls. Why a grown woman
would spend hours of her life putting together outfits for non-existent future
social engagements is completely beyond male comprehension. Men don't plan what they're going to wear the
next day, let alone next month to a hypothetical garden party that may or may
not take place in a field of hibiscus flowers.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The way a man picks out clothes is very simple. He walks into his closet and figures out
what's clean, often by using the "sniff test," as we call it in my
house. (If there is nothing clean, he
sifts through the dirty laundry pile to find something that doesn't make him
wretch.)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My husband has distilled this process down even further by wearing only black
shirts and jeans. And whenever he finds jeans that fit, he buys several pairs of the exact style. This way, he doesn't have to waste time thinking
about what color he should be wearing on a Tuesday versus a Wednesday.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Don't you ever worry that someone thinks you're wearing the same thing
you wore the day before?" I asked him one night. "All your black shirts look the
same t<span style="font-size: small;">o me</span>."</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Haven't
you heard that Steve Jobs wore the same thing for twenty years? Black
turtleneck, jeans, sneakers. Mark Zuckerburg always wears a grey hooded
sweatshirt, even when he meets with Wall Street investors. These are
guys who have better things to do
with their time than think about what to wear.
That's what I call <i>efficiency</i>."</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My boys are already adopting this predilection for "efficiency",
if you can call it that. For example, a few months ago, the older two boys decided they could save a whopping ten minutes in
the mornings by going to bed wearing their school uniforms.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"We can't let them sleep in uniforms," I told my husband, when the
idea first came up. "Doesn't that encourage
them to be lazy? They might grow up
always looking for short cuts in life."</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"If it saves me time getting them ready for school," he replied, "I'm all
for it."</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">With a decisive vote of three to one, I was quickly overruled<span style="font-size: small;">. Apparently, there is a fine line bet<span style="font-size: small;">ween la<span style="font-size: small;">ziness and efficiency that my female brain cannot appreciate.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Which brings me back to my original point on how much time women spend thinking
about what to wear. Maybe the household
majority is <span style="font-size: small;">ont<span style="font-size: small;">o something here</span></span>. After all, I wast<span style="font-size: small;">e</span> a lot of time <span style="font-size: small;">admiring </span>fancy dresses that I<span style="font-size: small;"> can't imagine myself ever </span>wearing <span style="font-size: small;">in real life</span>. I have an entire
Pinterest board devoted <span style="font-size: small;">to the </span>pin-tucked and lace-embellished frocks featured on
"Downton Abbey". <span style="font-size: small;">However, t</span>he truth is that
I hardly wear dresses, not even the simple, un<span style="font-size: small;">adorn</span>ed kind. <span style="font-size: small;">So<span style="font-size: small;">, </span>why d<span style="font-size: small;">o I<span style="font-size: small;"> b<span style="font-size: small;">other brow<span style="font-size: small;">sing </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">for a pale yellow<span style="font-size: small;"> number that reminds me <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">of what </span>Lady Mary wore to the cricket game in Season Three<span style="font-size: small;">?</span> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Perhaps <span style="font-size: small;">I can <span style="font-size: small;">learn a thing or tw<span style="font-size: small;">o about "efficiency" from the<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">men </span></span>i<span style="font-size: small;">n this house</span>. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;">I mean, <span style="font-size: small;">it's not like I <span style="font-size: small;">can't <span style="font-size: small;">appreciate</span> the difference between laziness and efficiency in other are<span style="font-size: small;">as of my <span style="font-size: small;">life</span>. </span></span>I'm <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">all for <span style="font-size: small;">saving time <span style="font-size: small;">when it comes to cooking dinner or cleaning the hardwood floors. <i><span style="font-size: small;">Am I lazy for making spaghetti <span style="font-size: small;">again this week? No way, mister, <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">that's <span style="font-size: small;">what I call<span style="font-size: small;">... </span></span></span></span>efficien<span style="font-size: small;">cy</span>!</span></span></i> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Or maybe I should</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span>just <span style="font-size: small;">throw <span style="font-size: small;">my <span style="font-size: small;">own </span>garden party<span style="font-size: small;">. <span style="font-size: small;">It wouldn't have t<span style="font-size: small;">o be that gir<span style="font-size: small;">ly. The boys could play cricket in the backyard. I c<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">ould dres<span style="font-size: small;">s them up in </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;">fancy<span style="font-size: small;"> sweater vests and white knickers, and I could wear<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> a <span style="font-size: small;">wide<span style="font-size: small;">-brimmed hat <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">decorated with cream-colored </span>satin <span style="font-size: small;">gardenias. I wonder <span style="font-size: small;">if Anthropologie sells a <span style="font-size: small;">pair of <span style="font-size: small;">ballet flats that woul<span style="font-size: small;">d match</span></span></span> <span style="font-size: small;">such a pretty <span style="font-size: small;">hat</span></span>.<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">Maybe if I just take a peek on Pinterest...</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-74926537745933861442013-03-18T21:05:00.000-07:002013-05-20T06:03:14.185-07:00A Little Serendipity, A Lot of Boys<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zlcIe0gBL8E/UZofCUStcMI/AAAAAAAAAx0/ttBs0-8ZyXA/s1600/plate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zlcIe0gBL8E/UZofCUStcMI/AAAAAAAAAx0/ttBs0-8ZyXA/s320/plate.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">There must be a lot of families with boys around here, because I keep driving
by minivans with vanity plates <span style="font-size: small;">that read</span> "TWO BOY<span style="font-size: small;">Z</span>", <span style="font-size: small;">"<span style="font-size: small;">MY3SONS</span></span>", "2GR8BOYS"<span style="font-size: small;"> and so on</span>. On Sunday, I found
myself once again stopped at a red light behind such a car.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>I turned to my husband and remarked that perhaps I should join this friendly contest of <span style="font-size: small;">the </span>vanity license plates.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Why don't you get one that says '4GR8BOYS'?" he suggested.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Or I could outdo all these moms and get a plate that says '5BOYS',"
I muttered, mostly to myself. "You
being the fifth boy, of course." In my
mind, I thought<span style="font-size: small;">:</span> <i>Now that would be simple and effective. Not overly braggadocious. But it
would get the point across<span style="font-size: small;">, and the point is:</span> Muhahaha... I win!</i> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">However, after some Googling, I discovered that the DMV has a search engine
that allows you to check if your desired vanity plate is available. And alas, "5BOYS" was already
taken!</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The following day, I kid you not, I pulled into a parking spot at
Target<span style="font-size: small;">...</span> <span style="font-size: small;">right next to a black m</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">inivan bearing<span style="font-size: small;"> the </span>plate "5BOYS"!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Oh my goodness," I exclaimed, "I don't believe it!"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"What's going on?" my oldest son asked.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I've got to get a picture of this!" I screamed, giddy with
excitement.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I bounded outside and pulled out my cell phone to snap a photo of the license plate. My mind was whirling, and I felt a
little light-headed from the euphoria of this rare sighting. I casually peered inside the car and spotted <span style="font-size: small;">a</span> toddler
seat, booster seat, and a few toys on the floor. I considered whether to stake out the parking
space to see what mother of all mothers had procured this coveted vanity
plate. I wondered if I<span style="font-size: small;">'d be able to track down </span>this queen bee inside the store. Surely
a woman with five boys <span style="font-size: small;">buzzing around</span> a shopping cart would not be hard to spot!</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">While</span> I was still s<span style="font-size: small;">tan<span style="font-size: small;">ding at the back of the minivan admiring the license plate, </span></span>a woman with two boys approached the car.
She was in the middle of yelling at one of the boys<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>when I lunged
toward her and cried out, "Is this your car?"</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">She looked startled and replied tentatively, "Yes..."</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Before she could write me off as a stalker, I launched into my story. I have a vague recollection of using too many
words and speaking too quickly, the way one might upon meeting a celebrity. She
laughed while I rambled. <span style="font-size: small;">After I <span style="font-size: small;">fin<span style="font-size: small;">ished, w</span></span></span>e exchanged a few stories about <span style="font-size: small;">raising </span>boys, and I felt as if I'd just
met a kindred spirit. <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She <span style="font-size: small;">und<span style="font-size: small;">erst<span style="font-size: small;">ood the husband bit completely, and <span style="font-size: small;">joked that she could <span style="font-size: small;">buy<span style="font-size: small;"> a new <span style="font-size: small;">plate</span> that <span style="font-size: small;">read</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> "<span style="font-size: small;">6BOYS"<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">so that I could </span>have <span style="font-size: small;">hers. </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At the end of our
conversation, she ordered her boys to help my youngest son out of the van, as
if we were already old friends. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">As she got into her car, she turned to me</span> and said, "You know, when you
first ran over to me, I seriously thought you were going to<span style="font-size: small;"> tell me </span>how dirty
my car is!"</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">B<span style="font-size: small;">y now</span>, we already understood one another so
words weren't really necessary. What mom
of multiple boys has a minivan that isn't littered with empty juice boxes, week-old
cracker crumbs, and a small collection of die-cast race cars?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">After she drove off, I excitedly sent the photo to my husband. Still flustered from the
brief encounter, I smiled to myself and loaded my four boys into <span style="font-size: small;">one shopping cart</span>. I can't recall having experienced
many moments of serendipity like this before.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">As for the vanity plate contest, I'm fresh out of ideas. Either I have to settle for some variation of
"4BOYS" (which incidentally is already taken), or<span style="font-size: small;"> maybe it's time to </span>admit defeat. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-4170773186879332812013-02-12T09:10:00.001-08:002013-02-18T12:26:29.395-08:00What's So Funny About "Downton Abbey"?<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My
idea of a good punchline is a zinger delivered by a certain Dowager
Countess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But alas, "Downton
Abbey" wraps up its season on Sunday, and the rest of the family
doesn't think "What is a week<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">end?</i>"
qualifies as side-splitting humor. I'm the only one who will miss the
aristocratic barbs that come from Dame Maggie Smith's stiff upper lip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Humor
is a matter of personal taste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my
8-year old's opinion, there's nothing funny about "Down<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">town</i> Abbey" (as he calls it) except
the British accents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Show him a Youtube video
of a middle-aged guy tripping down a flight of stairs, however, and the kid will be
rolling on the floor laughing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Most
boys I know prefer slapstick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask any boy
what is the funniest part of the movie "Elf".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget Buddy's hilarious comments about
life in the North Pole or the deadpan quips by Bob Newhart and Zooey Deschanel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even the visual farce of seeing Will Ferrell
in tights is lost on them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boys will
tell you the comic highlight of the movie is when Buddy slurps down spaghetti
with syrup, polishes off a liter of soda and delivers a 12-second belch at the
dinner table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To them, the burp alone is
worth the price of admission.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
other day, I overheard my 6-year old and his friend discussing which "Alvin
and the Chipmunks" movie to watch.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
don't remember which one it is," one of them remarked.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Is
it the one where they go on vacation?" the other asked.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"No...."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Is
it the one with the girl chipmunks?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
don't know," he replied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I
just want to watch the one where the guy gets a wedgie."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Oh,
the wedgie!" the other exclaimed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"The
wedgie is my favorite part too!" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">For
those of you who haven't watched "The Squeakquel", the wedgie scene takes up maybe five seconds of screen time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is quickly followed by a scene in which one of the chipmunks receives
a "swirly", i.e., gets his head dunked in a toilet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And apparently, a movie that features both a
wedgie and swirly scores big laughs with 6-year old boys.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Needless
to say, there are no wedgies, swirlies or record-breaking belches in "Downton
Abbey".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And according to male
viewers under the age of 10 (at least those who reside in this household), the
show is poorer for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> To them, a series about a privileged family living in post-Edwardian England would be a lot funnier if the butler set booby traps around the castle and someone fell down the front staircase once in a while. And if the Dowager Countess let out a loud burp during afternoon tea... surely that would be a show worth watching. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Now would be a perfect time to direct a
snarky comment to the boys, delivered in my best Oxford English accent (not to be confused with a Yorkshire accent--how very middle class!), about vulgarity being no substitute for wit. It would be so funny. Hilarious, even. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Unfortunately, no one
except me would laugh. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> </span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-79491399433296578582013-01-27T19:26:00.000-08:002013-01-28T09:40:14.287-08:00If You Think About It, "Crude" is Just One Letter Away From "Prude"<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">A few weeks ago, my husband asked <span style="font-size: small;">me to stop</span> writing about our boys' fascination with potty humor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"People will get the
idea we're bad parents," he said. "Your blog is
becoming really lowbrow."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I thought you found my
blog mildly amusing," I replied, tapping away on my laptop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that moment, I was jotting down notes
about a numeric code the boys had created.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone knows what it means to go "Number One" or
"Number Two".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My older
boys had taken the phraseology to another level by coming up with a dozen rather
detailed (and if I may say, unusually nuanced) permutations involving peeing, pooping
and upchucking. They'd spent the better
part of an afternoon quizzing each other so they would not confuse Number Seven
with Number Eleven, and so forth.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Well, it was funny at
first," he continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I mean,
the humor comes from the fact that someone like you found yourself raising boys who enjoy being crude..." </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Someone like me?"
I looked up from typing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"You know, you're kind
of the, um... prim and proper type."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Prim and proper"
is the nice way of putting it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "Prudish" is probably more accurate. </span>I'm not proud of it, but I can
admit that from time to time, I am a prude.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Perhaps that is why I was
given one husband and four sons who rather enjoy--no, dare I use the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">revel</i>--in breaking down my prudish
sensibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, a few nights
ago, the two oldest boys came running over to me, clutching their stomachs from
laughing so hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Mom," one of them
began rather impishly, "we have a riddle for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you ready for it?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I nodded, wondering what was
coming next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were both giggling and
jumping up and down in excitement.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Even if you couldn't
hear or smell it..." he continued, speaking rather slowly to draw out the suspense,
"how would you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">see</i> a fart?"
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It was obvious they had spent
a fair amount of time discussing this topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The one who came up with the "riddle" was beaming with pride, as if
he'd stumbled on a deep metaphysical quandary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I suppose this was their version of the philosophical debate about the tree
that falls in the forest when no one is around to hear it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Take your time,"
the other nodded, as if to reassure me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"We want you to think about this."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Really, guys," I
replied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I could probably think
about it for an hour and not come up with the answer you're looking for."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"We'll give you a hint,"
they whispered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"The answer has
something to do with bubbles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And water."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My first reaction was to be a
prude. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a hard disposition to
correct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I realize I've spent enough
of my life being a prude, and now that I share my life with boys whose idea of
an afternoon well spent involves numbering the ways one can empty his bowels... I might as well embrace the transformation. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So instead, I congratulated
them on contemplating an age-old question and added that, in fact, I knew of a second method.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They leaned in with the
kind of palpable anticipation one would expect before hearing the truth about
Roswell. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Did you know," I
began, making sure to enunciate my words slowly for dramatic effect, "that
it's possible to light farts on fire?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The boys exploded in laughter--the
kind of laughter that is contagious and unstoppable and ends up either making
you cry or feel sick to your stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They shrieked and howled like this for several minutes without coming up
for air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"No way, no way!"
they screamed. "You're kidding, right, Mom?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Finally, they calmed down and
started asking questions about the mechanics of this improbable and glorious
discovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I admit that I fudged part of the explanation
because I only vaguely remembered hearing in college about a guy who succeeded in this
endeavor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I spoke with
confidence, as if I were an expert on the subject, because I understood the
importance of this oddly momentous exchange.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And when I finished answering all their questions, they looked at me
in a way that only young children who belong with you can... and I
realized I might as well have received the award for Best Mom of the Year in their eyes. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">There is a deleted scene from the movie "Love Actually" that may be one of the funniest clips I've ever seen. It
kills me that it wasn't included in the movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If this isn't one of Emma Thompson's finest acting bits, I don't know
what is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have three minutes,
watch it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you're a mother of a son, watch
it together.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/GsD-6LHgN90" width="420"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My boys and I watched the clip twice last night, as I was finishing up my writing. I don't mean to brag, but based on their
riotous laughter followed by looks of utter devotion, I knew I'd clinched that Best
Mom award for the second time this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not bad, I might add, for someone who used to be a prude.</span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-16333079277257281002012-12-04T19:20:00.000-08:002013-08-28T05:51:32.614-07:00Confession #7: How I Faked This Year's Christmas Photo<div style="text-align: justify;">
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">By the time I post this, my annual Christmas photo cards
will be in the mail. In the spirit of
keeping <span style="font-size: small;">it real for the <span style="font-size: small;">five </span>people who read this blog</span>, however, I hereby confess that this year's
family photo is a fake. T<span style="font-size: small;">h<span style="font-size: small;">at's right. </span></span>After an hour of cajoling, bribing,
pleading and yelling at the boys to give me one good pose with everyone smiling
at the camera, I was left with only one option: Pho<span style="font-size: small;">toshop</span><span style="font-size: small;">. <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">In <span style="font-size: small;">the two hundred<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> shots<span style="font-size: small;"> we took, every picture featured at le<span style="font-size: small;">ast one member of the<span style="font-size: small;"> family <span style="font-size: small;">squinting, g<span style="font-size: small;">rimacing, <span style="font-size: small;">tripping, shoving, or otherwise <span style="font-size: small;"><i>not</i> spreading holiday cheer.</span> Necessity being the mother of invention<span style="font-size: small;">,</span> this mother </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">merged </span><span style="font-size: small;">two <span style="font-size: small;">different shots into one<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">holly jolly</span></span> pose<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> to</span> send to <span style="font-size: small;">uns<span style="font-size: small;">uspecting friends and famil<span style="font-size: small;">y.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I am not proud of this <span style="font-size: small;">forgery<span style="font-size: small;">. It was not so much clever as it was desperate. You see, e</span></span>very year, the annual family photo session is
th<span style="font-size: small;">e boys' <span style="font-size: small;">dreaded </span></span>event of the pre-holiday season. Perhaps if I had given birth to four girls, I m<span style="font-size: small;">ight</span> ha<span style="font-size: small;">ve <span style="font-size: small;">produced </span>children who </span>enjoyed donning formal attire and strik<span style="font-size: small;">ing</span> glamorous poses for a family portrait worthy of
adulations, tears and followers on Pinterest.
With four boys, however, a successful photo session is simply one <span style="font-size: small;">in which <span style="font-size: small;">no one is sucker<span style="font-size: small;"> punched</span></span></span>.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In order to understand the challenges of taking photos of
my boys, I present a random sampling of what I usually <span style="font-size: small;">capture on film<span style="font-size: small;"> after the phrase </span></span>"smile for the camera" is uttered. </span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_pPWJUNp3l0/UL5qFsQ2mxI/AAAAAAAAAn8/mWwruEiOHVY/s1600/photo1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_pPWJUNp3l0/UL5qFsQ2mxI/AAAAAAAAAn8/mWwruEiOHVY/s400/photo1.jpg" width="352" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Lest you think I'm making this up, here is another set of vacation photos sabotaged by my boys:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I have literally hundreds of photos like these<span style="font-size: small;">. </span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">They <span style="font-size: small;">are not <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">products of<span style="font-size: small;"> a<span style="font-size: small;"> parent</span></span> <span style="font-size: small;">prompting</span>, "Come on<span style="font-size: small;">, boys, let's make some silly faces!" No, these are a<span style="font-size: small;">ctual shots of my offspring refusing <span style="font-size: small;">outright </span>to give me one <span style="font-size: small;">decent </span>smile.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> These </span></span></span></span></span></span>pictures are only good for
one thing: making <span style="font-size: small;">graphic</span>s for my blog. </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So, here is a rundown o<span style="font-size: small;">f the morning</span> we attempted to have
our family photo taken for the annual Christmas card. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">9:00 a.m. Begin
dressing four boys in coordinating outfits.
Field indignant question<span style="font-size: small;">s</span> from older two sons on why they have to wear "fancy
sweaters<span style="font-size: small;">"<span style="font-size: small;"> instead of <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">rumpled <span style="font-size: small;">t-</span></span>shirts they slep<span style="font-size: small;">t in overnight</span>.</span></span></span></span></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">9:15 a.m. Search house frantically to find matching shoes for the baby. Ignore reasonable requests from husband to calm down<span style="font-size: small;"> ("He<span style="font-size: small;"> doesn't walk yet, <span style="font-size: small;">so why does he need to wear shoes? </span></span></span>Who's going to look at <span style="font-size: small;">his feet</span> anyway?").</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">9:<span style="font-size: small;">30</span> a.m. Chase
boys around house in futile attempt to apply hair gel. Field additional question<span style="font-size: small;">s</span> from sons on why they have to comb their hair anyway.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">9:40 a.m. Locate pair of matching shoes that are unfortunately two sizes too large for baby. Accept defeat and vaguely <span style="font-size: small;">nod to </span>voice of reason, i.e. husband, w<span style="font-size: small;">ho mutters for the third time<span style="font-size: small;"></span>: </span>"Trust me, no one's going to notice." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">9:55 a.m. Swipe
hair gel in boys' hair as they run out the door. </span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hqfAw48Kzk0/UL5rNBUItSI/AAAAAAAAApI/bQo7q1L2tIU/s1600/attempt7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hqfAw48Kzk0/UL5rNBUItSI/AAAAAAAAApI/bQo7q1L2tIU/s320/attempt7.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">10:00 a.m. Attempt initial shots <span style="font-size: small;">at</span> first choice of location. Listen to repeated
complaining from <span style="font-size: small;">boy</span>s about the sun being in their eyes. <span style="font-size: small;">Ign<span style="font-size: small;">ore</span></span> melodramatic <span style="font-size: small;">demand</span>s to be provided sunglasses to wear<span style="font-size: small;"> in phot<span style="font-size: small;">o.</span></span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> Realize that one of baby's ill-fitting shoes<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>must have fallen off his foot on the way to photo location. </span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NwIko6Z4xaE/UL5qkFHUG5I/AAAAAAAAAoU/lWKBAABdvUw/s1600/attempt1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NwIko6Z4xaE/UL5qkFHUG5I/AAAAAAAAAoU/lWKBAABdvUw/s320/attempt1.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">10:10 a.m. Move to
a shady location after p<span style="font-size: small;">rolo<span style="font-size: small;">nged complaints about the <span style="font-size: small;">sun</span></span>. </span>Attempt further efforts to recreate sacc<span style="font-size: small;">harine</span> "hugging family" pose pinned last week from Pinterest. Efforts are derailed when oldest son begins to climb "hugging family" like a tree trunk<span style="font-size: small;">.</span> </span></span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QABdiAicx4s/UL5qsYGflWI/AAAAAAAAAoc/Uv9a4T9P8SM/s1600/attempt2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QABdiAicx4s/UL5qsYGflWI/AAAAAAAAAoc/Uv9a4T9P8SM/s320/attempt2.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">10:15 a.m. Baby and 4-year old begin odd combination of yelling, laughing and crying in sync. Take 15 minute break for younger sons to calm down. <span style="font-size: small;">Upon realizing opportunity<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">for free<span style="font-size: small;">dom from onerous family <span style="font-size: small;">obligation</span></span></span>, </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">older sons use bre<span style="font-size: small;">aktime </span>to climb trees.</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tY6EnleUO4M/UL5q0pF3NmI/AAAAAAAAAoo/5fBimUCKm-M/s1600/attempt3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tY6EnleUO4M/UL5q0pF3NmI/AAAAAAAAAoo/5fBimUCKm-M/s320/attempt3.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">10:30<span style="line-height: 115%;"> a.m. Resume phototaking attempts. Baby begins grabbing my nose and poking fingers into my nostrils<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qEfp_fLg_mg/UL5rDdO3d4I/AAAAAAAAAo8/u_bjvofvl8k/s1600/attempt6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qEfp_fLg_mg/UL5rDdO3d4I/AAAAAAAAAo8/u_bjvofvl8k/s320/attempt6.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">10:45 a.m. Take second break and attempt <span style="font-size: small;">dis<span style="font-size: small;">cussion </span></span>with baby on the inappropriateness of sticking fingers into other people's <span style="font-size: small;">orifices</span>. During <span style="font-size: small;">fruitless negotiation, </span>boys quickly become bored <span style="font-size: small;">and <span style="font-size: small;">resume climbing trees<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vuCejUXcr1I/UL5q7_PmpFI/AAAAAAAAAow/btZpRmQtMPc/s1600/attempt5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vuCejUXcr1I/UL5q7_PmpFI/AAAAAAAAAow/btZpRmQtMPc/s320/attempt5.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">10:55 a.m. Baby falls asleep. After series of shots with baby's face turned away in sleep position, photographer (my ever-patient sister) asks if we want to try again next weekend. Husband and I <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">look</span></span> at each other, glance at our boys hanging from tree branches, and shake our heads "no" at the same time. Photo session is officially canned.</span></span></span></span></div>
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LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-89807140387272479242012-12-02T14:38:00.005-08:002013-01-21T21:39:20.697-08:00Missing and Broken Parts<div style="text-align: justify;">
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I have a box in my storage
closet labeled "Missing and Broken Parts."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It contains knobs, handles, and various other
household items that may (or may not) be fixed, reattached or salvaged in the
elusive "someday"... when I have the time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I had forgotten all about
the "Missing and Broken" box, until last week when the boys <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"</span></span>accidentally" steered a remote control helicopter right into the crystal chandelier that hangs in our foyer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The little helicopter dislodged a large crystal,
which swiftly plummeted two stories and shattered on the ground below.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The crystal splintered off into tiny shards
too numerous to count.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfit for residence
in the "Missing and Broken" box, we swept and vacuumed up the
remnants.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lately, quite a lot has gone
missing and broken around here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
chandelier was only the latest casualty in a long line of dings, dents,
scratches, tears, breaks, holes, and drywall damage that have become commonplace
in a house with four rowdy boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exhibit
A is the leather bench that now has an unsightly, grapefruit-sized milk stain
on the seat, after a sippy cup was left overnight with the cap loosened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Side note: What is the deal with milk and
leather not mixing well? I mean, don't they both come from cows?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Composite Exhibit B is not one, but six doors
in the house, all of which have come unhinged after the boys spent the last
year swinging from the handles like monkeys on a jungle gym.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exhibit C is the minivan, for which I
recently paid $200 to remove a glow stick that had been jammed into... well,
never mind where. (During this repair, I was informed that it would cost another $300 to replace the sunshade that was ripped in half by my 6-year old. This latter repair will have to wait until we deposit more change into the Raising Boys Insurance Fund.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And don't get me started on
the things that go missing around here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The surest way to lose something of value is to
share your home with a band of rogues aged eight years and under.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I once </span>spent an hour looking frantically for missing car keys, only to locate them in the bottom compartment of the
freezer, right next to the frozen pizza.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What must I have been thinking?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all, the freezer is a patently obvious place to store one's car
keys... if you're two feet tall.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">So, after some contemplation, I realized there are two things I
can do about the escalating costs of raising boys in this household.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, I can train the boys to become
bandits and recoup the value of the things they break around here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, they would make excellent pickpockets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have a natural
ability to create distractions by the whirlwind of energy that accompanies
them. They are small and wiry, and can deftly shimmy into crawl spaces before
you realize they've disappeared out of your line of sight. And they have a
penchant for storing their treasures low near the ground, escaping a grownup's
normal range of vision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(After all,
didn't the narrator in "The Shawshank Redemption" say: "I mean,
seriously, how often do you really look at a man's shoes?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, the same thing goes for the
bottom drawer of the freezer.)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Okay, I'm just kidding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, sort of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you cry "Fagin!", here's my
second idea: I can enroll the boys in courses in basic carpentry, plumbing and maybe even HVAC
repair at the local technical college; and then I can start employing
them for free instead of hiring licensed professionals to clean up their messes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last time I checked, the Fair Labor Standards
Act is okay with this arrangement: It's not illegal child labor if Mom's the
boss.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">But, alas, I opted for a third choice. I took my "Missing and Broken" box from the
storage closet, took five minutes to say goodbye, and threw its contents away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For the most part, I had completely forgotten all about the little
things I had stored up over the years: tassels torn from upholstered chairs by baby fingers; finials broken
off ceramic lamps by flying Nerf darts; and pieces of wooden baseboard trim knocked loose by remote control
cars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been so busy
raising my band of highly destructive but happy ragamuffins to remember all those forgotten segments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> After all, there</span> really was nothing broken and missing in all the important parts of my life
that mattered anyway.</span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-7183762005028783582012-11-29T14:24:00.000-08:002013-01-22T13:43:22.743-08:00Talking is Overrated... Blah, Blah, Blah<div style="text-align: justify;">
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">My 4-year old spends a lot of time in
the car while we shuttle his older brothers to and from school, soccer
practices and piano lessons. Therefore, it is only
fair, in my opinion, to give him the right of first refusal when it comes to
the all-important <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">decision: What </span></span></span>DVD <span style="font-size: small;">sho<span style="font-size: small;">uld we</span> </span>watch in the miniva<span style="font-size: small;">n?</span> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Lately, <span style="font-size: small;">how<span style="font-size: small;">ever, the </span></span>grumbling fro<span style="font-size: small;">m the two older boys </span>regarding <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">the little guy'</span>s</span> viewing choices has become more pronounced. My 8-year old, in particular, frequently protests
that his brother's choices are "baby shows<span style="font-size: small;">". <span style="font-size: small;">Said protests are then followed by <span style="font-size: small;">vociferous arguments </span></span></span>to replace "Blue's Clues" or "Thomas
the Tank Engine" with something vastly more sophisticated... like
"Elf".</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">This afternoon, the protests began the
minute the older boys entered the minivan after school. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"Another baby show?" one of
them exclaimed indignantly. "Why
are we always watching baby shows in the car?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"What <i>exactly</i> is your problem with baby shows?" I asked.</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;">"They're so boring," he</span> replied. "Nobody fights, and
nothing gets blown up. Usually somebody
walks around and tries to teach you the alphabet. But
mostly it's a lot of nothing."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"Boooring," my 6-year old
sighed from the back seat. <span style="font-size: small;">"We already know the alphab<span style="font-size: small;">et. <i>Blah blah blah</i>."</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">The exchange reminded me of another
conversation I had with the boys over the summer while we watched "Kung Fu
Panda". On that evening, I had suggested
we fast-forward through the fighting scenes.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"They're rather violent for a kids'
movie," I muttered, reaching for the remote control. "And besides, the last fifteen minutes<span style="font-size: small;"> ha<span style="font-size: small;">s been<span style="font-size: small;"> nothing but</span> <span style="font-size: small;">a montage of</span></span></span> kicking, punching and jumping in the air. It's kind of repetitive. Boring.
Let's just watch the scenes with dialogue to see how the story develops. That's more interesting."</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"What?!?" my 8-year old
gasped. "I'd rather fast-forward through
the talking scenes and just watch the fighting scenes. The talking scenes are the boring
parts."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Why <span style="font-size: small;">would we <span style="font-size: small;">choose</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> 'Kung <span style="font-size: small;">Fu Panda' if we don't<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>ge<span style="font-size: small;">t to watch <i>k</i><span style="font-size: small;"><i>un</i><span style="font-size: small;"><i>g fu</i>?"</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: small;">my 6<span style="font-size: small;">-year old added, <span style="font-size: small;">aghast</span>. "That makes no sense, Mom."</span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Alas, I realized there are two things going
on here. First, my boys are growing
up. <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Few are the </span></span>years
when their favorite shows are cartoons that teach you the alphabet. Before I know it, my youngest son will be a third grader scoffing at "baby shows" and all
the<span style="font-size: small;"> other</span> <span style="font-size: small;">thing</span>s he loved <span style="font-size: small;">as </span>a little boy. Time marches forward, even when you're not
ready. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Second, a fundamental difference between
boys and girls can be boiled down to this point regarding entertainment value: For
boys, dialogue is overrated. If nothing
is blown up and no one gets shot at, boys wonder what they've just sat through<span style="font-size: small;">. </span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">There's an excerpt from Donald Miller's <u>Blue
Like Jazz</u> that always makes me laugh.
I <span style="font-size: small;">like to </span>imagine one of my boys <span style="font-size: small;">writing something like this </span>when <span style="font-size: small;">he's</span> grown up. <span style="font-size: small;">Donald</span> mentions a piece of dating advice that
he received from the opposite sex:</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Here’s a tip I’ve never used: I
understand you can learn a great deal about girldom by reading <u>Pride and
Prejudi</u><span style="font-size: small;"><u>ce</u>,</span> and I own a copy, but I have never read it. I tried. It was
given to me by a girl with a little note inside that read: "What is in
this book is the heart of a woman." I am sure the heart of a woman is pure
and lovely, but the first chapter of said heart is hopelessly boring. Nobody
dies at all. I keep the book on my shelf because girls come into my room, sit
on my couch, and eye the books on the adjacent shelf. "You have a copy of
<u>Pride and Prejudice</u>," they exclaim in a gentle sigh and smile.
"Yes," I say. "Yes, I do."</span></span></span></div>
</blockquote>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">To me, the funn<span style="font-size: small;">iest part of th<span style="font-size: small;">e paragraph above is <span style="font-size: small;">the fact that Donald <span style="font-size: small;">can't get through the first chap<span style="font-size: small;">ter of <u><span style="font-size: small;">Pride and Prejudice</span></u><span style="font-size: small;"> because no<span style="font-size: small;">body dies in it. <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">This is</span> f<span style="font-size: small;">unny <span style="font-size: small;">because <span style="font-size: small;">it illustrates <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">the</span> point that boys<span style="font-size: small;"> (of any age)</span> really just want to see <span style="font-size: small;">(or read about) <span style="font-size: small;">stuff getting blown up</span></span>.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And<span style="font-size: small;"> t</span>his point <span style="font-size: small;">rings no truer than with the <span style="font-size: small;">largest boy in the house<span style="font-size: small;">, my husband. </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">When <span style="font-size: small;">we</span> first started dating, I
forced h<span style="font-size: small;">im</span> to watch all of my favorite movies: "Anne of Green
Gables", "Emma" and "Pride and Prejudice." Oh, the things a man will do for a woman when
they're dating. The first time he
watched "Emma," he may have fallen asleep. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"That movie was pointless," he
told me later. "<span style="font-size: small;">There's no <span style="font-size: small;">storyline<span style="font-size: small;">, no action</span>. </span></span>It's just a bunch
of women gossiping about other women.
<i>Blah blah blah</i>." </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">"What?" I exclaimed. "Were
we watching the same movie? It's a love
story between Emma and Knightley. She is
the earnest but flawed heroine<span style="font-size: small;"> who l<span style="font-size: small;">earns through her mistakes what is really important<span style="font-size: small;">; and Knightley</span></span> is <span style="font-size: small;">the noble <span style="font-size: small;">friend</span> who </span></span>loves her, despite<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>all her
shortcomings. But he too is <span style="font-size: small;">mis<span style="font-size: small;">guided in matters of the heart. <span style="font-size: small;">They both take a lot of wrong turns but <span style="font-size: small;">eventually </span></span>realize how much <span style="font-size: small;">they need and love one<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> other.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">That is the heart of the
story." </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">He paused and shook his head.<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">"</span></span>All I heard," he <span style="font-size: small;">replied, "</span>was <i>blah blah
blah</i>." </span></span></span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-61397840474933431952012-10-01T17:46:00.001-07:002013-01-21T21:38:20.025-08:00Siri-ously Outplayed<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Last night, my 6-year old ran
over carrying my iPhone and asked, "Hey, Mom, can I talk to that funny
girl on your phone again?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My first reaction was to sit
down and have another discussion about stranger danger, but then I remembered
that the "funny girl" he was referring to is Siri.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Encouraged by his brothers (and goaded on by
his father), the kid has been trying all week to find new ways of stumping,
confusing and otherwise embarrassing poor all-knowing Siri, who only wants to
tell you where to find the nearest Starbucks.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It started a few nights
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, my husband thought it would
be funny to ask Siri about her religious beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They asked her, "Is there a
God?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Siri's reply was very
diplomatic and careful not to offend:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"I would ask that you address your spiritual questions to someone
more qualified to comment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ideally, a
human."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Unable to chisel away at
Siri's conscientiously scripted responses, the boys became bored with this line
of questioning, and the conversation quickly degenerated into potty talk. <span style="display: none; mso-hide: all;">H</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Are you a boy or
girl?" one of them asked.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Siri replied
matter-of-factly: "Animals and nouns have genders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Not satisfied with her
answer, my 6-year old continued: "Where is your penis?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His brothers exploded in laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Poor Siri answered: "My
name is Siri, and I was designed by Apple in California.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's all I'm prepared to say."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Do you fart?" my
4-year old asked, grabbing the iPhone from his older brother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another round of self-congratulatory laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By now, they realized they had stumbled onto
a new form of entertainment.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Unfazed, Siri replied tactfully
in her monotone voice: "I've never really thought about it."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"How do you poop?"
they continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Do you ever have
diarrhea?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
started feeling sorry for Siri.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here she
was, Apple's highly touted "intelligent personal assistant" for the
iPhone, a modern day genie trapped in a bottle... currently reduced to being bossed around by three little
boys who wouldn't stop asking her about poop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I imagined her as the digital version of a young career woman, eager to
please and ready to fulfill the aims of a hard-earned education... only to be
assigned the task of babysitting the boss's bratty kids for a day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">And
then it dawned on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Siri never loses
her temper and raises her voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
doesn't get frustrated when she can't understand what a child is yelling at the
top of his lungs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And even if she's
sleep-deprived and suffering from a bad case of PMS, Siri tirelessly endeavors
to answer any question posed by a 4-year old boy, no matter how inane or
repetitive. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>I could learn a lot from
Siri</i>, I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>And more importantly, I think I've
just found my replacement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Siri... is my
new best friend!</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So,
after dinner tonight, I handed my iPhone to the boys and told them Siri would
be babysitting while I finished the dishes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Do
you have a butt?" my 6-year old began, rather pleased with himself.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"You
have the wrong sort of assistant," Siri replied calmly.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Okay, then do
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> have a butt?" he continued,
giggling.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"No
comment."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
said, do I have a butt?" he repeated, a bit frustrated.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"This
is about you, not me."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
was starting to like Siri more and more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She no longer seemed as spineless as I first imagined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This sister was actually kind of sassy. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Finally,
the boys gave up trying to unhinge Siri.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Clearly, she wasn't about to buckle under a little bullying by a posse
of presumptuous young boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
don't like you," my 6-year old sighed, concluding this exchange wasn't as
much fun as it originally seemed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Unflappable as ever, Siri retorted: "I would rather you didn't." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">He silently handed the iPhone back to me and bounded off to play with his Legos. Standing
at the dishwasher, I chuckled to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Unwilling to be an easy target for the boys or a thankless babysitter for me,</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span> Siri had just outplayed and outsmarted all of us in one fell swoop. </span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-51169864039211161522012-09-22T07:32:00.002-07:002012-09-22T10:36:46.396-07:00Did I Really Just Say That?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RBAxTve7KeI/UF056HU0lLI/AAAAAAAAAgQ/40bcHH9CEXA/s1600/stickynote6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RBAxTve7KeI/UF056HU0lLI/AAAAAAAAAgQ/40bcHH9CEXA/s200/stickynote6.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My husband likes to point out how loud I've become in the last few years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You're definitely not the same girl I
met in high school," he'll mutter and segue to how, somewhere between litigating
and raising boys, the volume and pitch of my speech changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next, he'll nostalgically slip in a few
adjectives like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nice </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">quiet </i>to describe the "old" me,
purportedly in contrast to the "new" me, who can belt out orders like
a drill sergeant on the first day of boot camp. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">And it's not simply the change in decibels that is surprising.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I catch my breath, sometimes even I don't believe the words that come out of my mouth. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Gone are the days of discussing which Jane Austen hero makes a better suitor--Darcy or Knightley; or what to serve for an afternoon tea--scones or sandwiches? Nowadays, conversations (and I use that term very loosely) instead revolve around such highbrow topics like how badly one needs to go potty, and the all-important question--pee or poop? </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So I started making notes of absurdities uttered during the day that seem perfectly normal now that I'm a military sergeant (oh, I mean, mom of boys).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After one week of careful linguistic observations, I offer a sampling of ten sentences I never imagined would become regular parts of
speech:</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Are you wearing
underpants? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. I don't care if he says he
likes it; you're not allowed to barricade your brother inside a laundry basket.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. What part of "Library
books aren't meant to be used as skateboards" do you not understand?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. Yes, I suppose it does
sound like a fart; but I hope you realize you have other
talents worth developing too.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. That is quite possibly the
most awesome supersonic flying automatic weapon you've ever built.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">6. Is a booby trap really
necessary here?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">7. Even if we had more duct tape, I wouldn't give it to you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">8. Does that smell like pee to you?</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">9. Please tell me you didn't just drop that in the toilet.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">10. For the nth time, why aren't you wearing underpants?!?</span>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-38647716430563495612012-08-02T19:06:00.000-07:002012-12-21T08:24:05.388-08:00Our Summer Project: Building a Boys' Fort (a.k.a. "The Mini Man Cave")<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Every once in a while, boys (whether they
are three or thirty years old) need to retreat into their own space. Call it a man cave, mantuary, fortress of
solitude... whatever the terminology, I get it.
In fact, I welcome time spent in the man cave, because it means I'm off
duty and can finally take a nap.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">But until now, the boys have not had a
proper "mini man cave" in the house.
Last year, they came up with the ingenious idea of pitching a tent in
the living room. My husband, who is the
<i>de facto</i> leader of the boys, was thrilled. Before I knew it, he moved t</span></span>he
furniture aside and erected a 16-foot camping tent that occupied nearly the entire length of
the room. To make the sleeping arrangements
more comfortable, the boys "borrowed" two mattresses from
the beds upstairs and positioned them side by side in the tent, and then tossed
in a few sleeping bags and pillows.<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">They were
overjoyed. Like squirrels storing nuts for the winter, they brought in flashlights,
toys and books, ready to hunker down until Spring. And for the next several weeks, they slept in
the tent every night. They congregated
and held secret meetings there in the afternoons. And whenever I couldn't hear them in the
house, I knew exactly where to find them. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And then, a few weeks later, the tent was swiftly destroyed when my sons, along with three other boys, decided
to see if they could climb to the top. A
support beam snapped, and the entire tent collapsed. The boys begged me to keep the tent, but I finally
had a reason to take back my living room.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That was Man Cave 1.0. Its operating system literally crashed due to
boy overload. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">After they lost their tent,
the boys periodically created makeshift shelters out of blankets and whatever
furniture they could commandeer. I often
found them barricaded in their playroom, hiding in a lopsided fort made of two armchairs with a blanket draped over their heads.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Enter Man Cave
2.0. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">A few months ago, my husband
rushed over on a mission. He had that
look on his face which I know means that nothing I say will dissuade him from his
next big idea. He'd found the <a href="http://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/tree-fort-bed/?pkey=rromboytlb" target="_blank">Eli Fort Bed</a> at
Pottery Barn Kids (pictured at left). Well, I couldn't help but admit the
bed was a great concept, and we both agreed the boys would spend every free
moment in that fort conspiring as pirates, cowboys or space rangers. In addition, our fourth son will need his own bed soon. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">However, at $1800 (shipping and tax included), the
bed is rather pricey. So he decided he'd
build one himself, even if it takes him all summer to complete it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Well, naturally, being the pesky wife that I am, I had a ton
of questions: "When are you going to find the time to work on this? How are you going to calculate the weight
bearing capacity of the top bunk? Can
you imagine the older two boys jumping on the platform and the whole bed crashing
down on the younger two boys? Are we
going to end up with hundreds of dollars worth of lumber taking up space in our garage for the
next several years?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Just a wee bit annoyed, he replied matter of factly: "I have a graduate degree in
engineering and you think I can't build a fort?" (This was the point in the conversation when I knew I'd have to apologize later for my lack of faith.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">During the first week, he
spent his evenings sawing, staining, drilling, and hammering. He finished the
platform structure, which looked like a giant table on four legs. He proudly assembled it in our playroom, and
the boys (dad included) enthusiastically tested out the load bearing capacity
by jumping up and down on it for twenty minutes. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The project languished for the
next several weeks while we traveled and took the boys to the neigh<span style="font-size: small;">borhood pool</span>. During this lull, there
were a few trips to Home Depot to buy power tools and various other manly
acquisitions which I was not entirely certain were absolutely necessary for the
project at hand. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And then one night, my
husband sprang into action. He shifted
into full-blown mad scientist (or rather, mad carpenter) mode, and knocked out the rest
of the fort in a few consecutive evenings. Without any building plans to follow, he came
up with his own design inspired by the Pottery Barn Kids fort bed. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I may be biased, but I think his version turned out even
better. The entire fort is reinforced with L-brackets and secured into the support beams of the house. The structure isn't going anywhere. It can withstand earthquake-like rumblings from four boys jumping up and down on the top bunk. </span></span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v0ffWdAzvUA/UBsssG3i4KI/AAAAAAAAAfA/cEFv-0tuuUo/s1600/fortbed4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v0ffWdAzvUA/UBsssG3i4KI/AAAAAAAAAfA/cEFv-0tuuUo/s320/fortbed4.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Instead of a ladder, we
opted for a
sturdy flight of stairs with a handrail, which is easier for our 1- and
3-year old to ascend. He also positioned the stairs on the side,
rather than the front center. This allowed us to add a wall
frame to the front of the bottom area, which gives the boys another
semi-enclosed space in which to huddle and make plans to take over the world... or
whatever boys do when girls aren't around. </span></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ziF1ok68G74/UABjrnWXjII/AAAAAAAAAY4/9xaY6QQkpJQ/s1600/sign1a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ziF1ok68G74/UABjrnWXjII/AAAAAAAAAY4/9xaY6QQkpJQ/s320/sign1a.jpg" width="280" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After finishing the structure, my husband assigned me the task
of decorating the fort. The Pottery Barn
Kids version featured ocean and surf-related accessories that can be purchased
separately. But we wanted to make our
fort true to the style of an old-fashioned boys' treehouse.
So I created my own wooden signs using cedar planks, stencils and acrylic craft paint. Now, every club requires some level of exclusivity, so a "Keep Out" sign is mandatory. </span></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n-81AD8HTFg/UABj1uvM0zI/AAAAAAAAAZA/TlE3PQY9JUI/s1600/sign2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n-81AD8HTFg/UABj1uvM0zI/AAAAAAAAAZA/TlE3PQY9JUI/s320/sign2.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I came up with the idea for this next sign, after I found a brass plated plaque with the phrase "No Girls (Except Mom) Allowed" and a skull and crossbones motif, in a store. I wasn't enticed to spend $70 for the plaque, and I also wanted the sign to be wooden and rustic in style. So I borrowed the phrase and made my own sign. And I added "Boys Only"... as if we need any additional explanation.</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7PJlm5ZbnhM/UABj-bQf6gI/AAAAAAAAAZI/BAjm9XipTjg/s1600/sign3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7PJlm5ZbnhM/UABj-bQf6gI/AAAAAAAAAZI/BAjm9XipTjg/s320/sign3.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Well, our clubhouse would not have been complete without a pirate-themed sign. Again, using stencils and acrylic paint, I created the "Beware of Pirates" sign on a cedar plank, and then decoupaged little pirate graphics (which are actually party invitations sold at Target) using Mod Podge glue.</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3wgYypTI2w8/UA2jbhRJNUI/AAAAAAAAAak/po5Ewvo2h_w/s1600/mail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3wgYypTI2w8/UA2jbhRJNUI/AAAAAAAAAak/po5Ewvo2h_w/s320/mail.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">We tossed around a few other ideas for the front of the clubhouse. A sliding window? A porthole with a mounted telescope? A bucket attached to a pully system to carry loot from the ground level to the top level? Well, in the end, we decided to keep it simple. We made a wooden mailbox... perfect for delivering notes written in code, treasure maps, and instructions for secret missions. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">A</span></span>lthough we decided against enclosing the clubhouse with a door, we added a working doorbell... because you know, boys love pushing buttons, figuratively and literally. You can buy a remote doorbell at any home improvement store. The one we purchased was plastic and didn't fit the rustic style, so I painted it to match the rest of the fort. The button was mounted with double-sided tape, and the "bell" part is plugged into an outlet inside the clubhouse. I'm not sure if we'll regret the doorbell someday... but the beauty of this option is that I can remove it anytime if the incessant ringing starts getting on our nerves. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I love how the fort turned
out. The boys adore their new digs, and they currently only emerge for bathroom breaks and meals. My husband is a genius. And now that our summer project is finished,
he too can finally relax in his own man cave. As for me, it appears no one needs me at the moment... I think I'll go take a nap. </span></span></span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-79304402087162666672012-07-13T23:06:00.000-07:002012-07-14T09:16:54.929-07:00If I Pretend I'm Not Listening, Maybe They'll Stop Talking<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm having a bit of a dilemma. My 3- and 6-year old sons have decided that
the phrase "butt crack" is the most hilarious thing on the
planet. I have no idea where they learned
the term (one of them insists they heard it on PBS), but they are now slipping
it into whatever sentence they can, whether it makes sense or not, and then
laughing uncontrollably at how ingenious they are. For example, this morning we were at a
drive-through window when one of them decided he would go for it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Can I have a
chocolate donut," my 6-year old called from the back seat of the minivan,
and then paused for dramatic effect, "with sprinkles and a butt
crack?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Excuse me," his
younger brother added, trying to lean his head out the window to make contact
with the drive-through operator, "Can I have a butt crack too?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">They exploded in laughter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"So," I asked
while we were driving away, "do either of you comedians even know what 'butt crack'
means?" They looked at each other
with blank stares. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"No idea," my
3-year old replied.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"'Butt' is a funny
word," his accomplice added. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">My first son, who thinks his brothers' behavior is too infantile for his 8-year old sensibilities, just shook
his head. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Mom, they're being
gross again," he hollered. "Aren't
you going to do something about them?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Herein lies my dilemma. Every once in a while, I engage in the
wishful thinking that if I ignore the misbehavior in question, it will go away
on its own. I suppose it's lazy
parenting on my part. Especially when someone
like my 8-year old calls me on it. On
the other hand, the last time I made an issue of a particular word, the boys
thought it was even more uproariously clever to say it in public. So they kept saying the word. <i>Repeatedly.</i></span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Before "butt
crack", it was "penis." </span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"What's wrong with
saying 'penis'?" they asked a few months ago. "Is it a bad word?"</span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"Well, no..." I
replied, "but you probably shouldn't say it out loud in public."</span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"Why not?"</span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"Well, it's a word
that describes a private part of your body," I stammered, hoping this line
of questioning would somehow resolve on its own, "and you
should talk about private things in private."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Why is it private if
everyone has a penis?" my 6-year old asked. I hesitated,
wondering if I was going to regret where this conversation was headed.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"Not everyone has a penis."</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"What?!? " my 3-year
old gasped.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Only boys have them,
so girls might not necessarily appreciate you talking in front of them about penises."</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"You don't have a
penis?" he replied in utter disbelief. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"No," I answered
slowly, "I'm not a boy... so therefore, I don't have a penis." He thought about it for a moment.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"How do you pee?"</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"You know," I
continued, "we can talk about this more when you're older. But for now, just try not to say the word
'penis' in public." </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Once boys know there is
something taboo about a word, then all of a sudden it becomes a riot to say it. So the following day, as I was standing in
the checkout line of our grocery store, my 3-year old blurted out: "Mommy,
you must have a penis!" He erupted
in giggles.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I glanced nervously at the
clerk bagging my groceries, and pretended not to hear him. <i>If
I ignore him, </i>I thought, <i>maybe he
will just stop talking on his own</i>. Wishful
thinking.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"Mom," he repeated,
even louder, "I said... you have a penis!" </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"We talked about this
last night," I whispered, hushing him. "You know perfectly well that I
don't."</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">"Mommy doesn't have a
penis!" he exclaimed with glee, as loudly as he could. I could tell the clerk was also pretending
not to notice now. My son, on the other hand, knew he had a captive audience. Rather pleased with
himself, he repeated the word at least another five times before we finally
made it out of the grocery store. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Between "penis"
and "butt crack", I suppose I prefer the latter. But I'm still hoping this latest phase will
blow over on its own, and the comedy duo will come up with some new material
soon. Maybe, just maybe... if I work on
my poker face a bit more, they'll stop trying to embarrass me in public.</span></div>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-80989569270139139672012-07-04T09:14:00.000-07:002013-10-04T10:22:27.152-07:00Chocolate Cookie Hamburger and Apple Fries<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0vLThxtMiEA/T_SSenm3hnI/AAAAAAAAAWc/mmFzBhxE10g/s1600/bloghamb2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0vLThxtMiEA/T_SSenm3hnI/AAAAAAAAAWc/mmFzBhxE10g/s320/bloghamb2.jpg" width="280" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Summer is a great season for backyard cookouts. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm the one flipping burgers in this 100 degree weather we've been having lately. No, I'm content inviting myself over to my sister's house and letting her husband do the grilling. As for me, I'll bring dessert. If you're looking for a fun treat for the
kids after they've finished their hamburger and fries, try putting together
your own sweet version. The miniature hamburger is only one mouthful (about 1 1/2" in diameter) and about 80 calories. </span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Ingredients:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Nilla Wafers </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Skinny Cow Chocolate Clusters (or York Peppermint Patties)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Sesame Seeds</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Green Fruit Roll-Ups</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Yellow Fruit Roll-Ups </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Strawberry Jelly</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Apples (or peaches)</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i5doEtOOzDY/T_STzRZuKVI/AAAAAAAAAWs/hHFNeGPtu3M/s1600/bloghamb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i5doEtOOzDY/T_STzRZuKVI/AAAAAAAAAWs/hHFNeGPtu3M/s200/bloghamb.jpg" width="175" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">To make hamburger and fries:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1. Cut green Fruit Roll-Ups into lettuce leaf shapes, with jagged edges. (You can also pull the edges slightly to create a natural leafy shape.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">2. Cut yellow Fruit Roll-Ups into squares.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">3. Arrange each "hamburger" from bottom to top: Nilla Wafer, </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Chocolate Cluster, Yellow Fruit Roll-Ups square, strawberry jelly, green Fruit
Roll-Ups leaves, and Nilla Wafer.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">4.<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> Sprinkle sesame seeds on top.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">5<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">. Slice apples into thin sticks.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">6.</span> Arrange apple fries with strawberry jelly ("ketchup").</span></span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-30526908394408030802012-07-01T14:44:00.000-07:002013-01-23T14:44:32.628-08:00Just Use the Force, Mom<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">A few weeks ago, my 3-year
old stood observing me as I was trying to force open a jammed drawer. He
looked at me quizzically and remarked in complete seriousness: "Mommy,
just use the force." </span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
chuckled but didn't think much of the comment. Then, last night, this
same son refused to brush his teeth. I found him hiding in the shower.
My oldest son informed me, "He's waiting for you to use the Jedi mind
trick."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Are
you serious?" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"You
can do it, Mom," my 6-year old nodded earnestly. I could feel three
sets of eyes on me, waiting expectantly for my next move.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So
I slowly waved my hand and said, "You will brush your teeth."
The little guy stepped out of the shower, grinning from ear to ear, took the
toothbrush from my hand, and promptly began brushing his teeth.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Oh
boy, I thought to myself, what has this family come to? Sure, Daddy has
an authentic Stormtrooper helmet and armor in his closet, and Mommy actually
knows the difference between a Mandalorian and a Geonosian... I mean who
doesn't, right? And the boys probably have enough "Star Wars"
toys to start their own Ebay business someday. They haven't watched the
movies in their entirety yet, but they've read enough "Star Wars"
picture books to know what happens from Tatooine to Endor.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Still,
I'd like to be certain that: (1) the boys understand the difference between
science fiction and reality; and (2) we're not the kind of "Star
Wars" fanatics that show up at Comic-Con dressed as characters from
Episode IV, whom everyone laughs at because they are so ridiculous... are we?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So
I started thinking about the boys' current interest in all things "Star
Wars." I don't know yet if it's just a passing phase, but I suppose
"Star Wars" is a rite of passage for nerdy boys everywhere. And
let's face it... we are a family of nerds.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">What
do you get when you cross a female math major who uses Superglue to fix her
glasses, with an engineering major whose hobbies include coding family vacation
plans in Excel? The answer is elementary: a litter of nerdy boys. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">And
that is what I have in my home. The boys love computer games, and think
there's nothing more hilarious than setting their Ipad audiobooks to read aloud
in French or Japanese. They ask to do math problems on long road trips for
"fun." They come up with cringeworthy dance moves, completely
oblivious to their own lack of rhythm. They exhibit klutzy, accident-prone
tendencies from time to time, and have been known to hike up their pants and
socks too high for their own good. They are nerds, just like their
parents. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Alas,
I guess "Star Wars" fits right into the nerd quotient of our family.
There's no point in fighting it. So, tomorrow night, when I'm faced with
another toothbrush standoff, I will calmly tell my 3-year old in my best Yoda
voice: "Much to learn, you still have, my young padawan. Brush or
brush not, there is no try."</span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-56146847462772485752012-06-30T19:14:00.002-07:002013-10-04T10:22:39.767-07:00Fruit Jello Slices<div>
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EnkXWaK2jOw/T--xPgmx_rI/AAAAAAAAARM/rhpqB1RBBkU/s1600/blogjello7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EnkXWaK2jOw/T--xPgmx_rI/AAAAAAAAARM/rhpqB1RBBkU/s320/blogjello7.jpg" width="280" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My boys love jello. There's something
about food that wiggles which makes them happy.
And if you add an extra package of unflavored gelatin, the result is
firm enough to cut into funny shapes. Below
are kid-friendly versions of the "jello shots" traditionally filled
with vodka: non-alcoholic jello slices with fresh, pureed fruit. You can also skip the blender and make jello straight from the mix. This is a surprisingly easy recipe... especially for moms who are short on time and lacking in culinary talent (like me)! </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><i>Ingredients:</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1 package of 3 oz. watermelon flavored Jell-O </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1 package of 3 oz. lime flavored Jell-O </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1 package of 3 oz. orange flavored Jell-O </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">1 package of 3 oz. pineapple flavored Jell-O </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">1 package of 3 oz. lemon flavored Jell-O </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">5 packages Knox unflavored gelatin</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">5 cups boiling water</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">4 cups cold water </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">1 c</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="amount">up</span><span class="name"> chopped <span style="color: windowtext;">strawberries</span></span></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="name">1 cup chopped canteloupe </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1 </span>small watermelon</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2 large oranges</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">8 limes</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4 lemons </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1 pineapple</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Black licorice chews, sliced to resemble seeds</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-asjeE7rG9wk/T--w7_lBKOI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/i9Wrf69F3zA/s1600/blogjello3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-asjeE7rG9wk/T--w7_lBKOI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/i9Wrf69F3zA/s200/blogjello3.jpg" width="175" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">To make watermelon
slices:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Cut watermelon in half and hollow out the inside.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. Puree strawberries.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. Mix in 1/2 cup cold water and blend until
liquefied. Strain to remove seeds and
fruit pulp.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. In separate bowl, combine 1 package of watermelon flavored Jell-O powder
and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water. Stir well.</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. Add 1 cup strawberry juice to mixture and stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">6. Pour mixture into halved watermelons, and skim off any foam.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">7. Refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">8. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">9. Add sliced licorice pieces.</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SdkynUNXiic/T--w1R6eOOI/AAAAAAAAAQs/wVfYqZSJ6W0/s1600/blogjello1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SdkynUNXiic/T--w1R6eOOI/AAAAAAAAAQs/wVfYqZSJ6W0/s200/blogjello1.jpg" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">To make orange slices:</span></i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Cut oranges in half and hollow out the insides.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. Puree canteloupe. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. Mix in 1/2 cup cold water to puree and blend until
liquefied. Strain to remove pulp.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. In separate bowl, combine 1 package of orange flavored Jell-O powder and
1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water. Stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. Add 1 cup canteloupe juice to Jell-O mixture and stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">6. Pour mixture into halved oranges, and skim off any foam.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">7. Refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">8. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TKH9byO_oE0/T--xB1NHWdI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/h5CydLJbzXY/s1600/blogjello4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TKH9byO_oE0/T--xB1NHWdI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/h5CydLJbzXY/s200/blogjello4.jpg" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">To make lemon slices:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Cut lemons in half and hollow out the insides.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. Combine 1 package of lemon flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of
unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.
Stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. Add 1 cup of cold water and stir.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. Pour mixture into halved lemons and refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until
firm. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_G4nZguuv0/T--3-oKcAZI/AAAAAAAAARc/AvegyLJlvHA/s1600/blogjello2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_G4nZguuv0/T--3-oKcAZI/AAAAAAAAARc/AvegyLJlvHA/s200/blogjello2.jpg" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">To make lime slices:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Cut limes in half and hollow out the insides.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. Combine 1 package of lime flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of
unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.
Stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. Add 1 cup of cold water and stir.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. Pour mixture into halved limes and refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until
firm. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lEKzAuy57ZQ/T--xI-T5vsI/AAAAAAAAARE/SkhGwQ4dFms/s1600/blogjello5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lEKzAuy57ZQ/T--xI-T5vsI/AAAAAAAAARE/SkhGwQ4dFms/s200/blogjello5.jpg" width="175" /></a><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> To make pineapple
slices:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Cut pineapple top off and hollow out the inside.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. Cook pineapple shell in boiling water for a few minutes, and remove. Let dry.
(The boiling process destroys the </span><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-style: normal;">proteolytic
enzymes in fresh pineapple, that otherwise break down the proteins required for
gelatin to solidify.)</span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. In separate bowl, combine 1 package of pineapple flavored Jell-O powder
and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water. Stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. Add 1 cup cold water to Jell-O mixture and stir well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. Pour mixture into pineapple and refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">7. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.</span></span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-29320734039457407592012-06-27T14:24:00.000-07:002012-07-03T10:08:00.608-07:00When I Was Your Age...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DP6BqtNz9fo/T-t3yrATsCI/AAAAAAAAAPg/O6Rm6Wcqocs/s1600/stickynote5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DP6BqtNz9fo/T-t3yrATsCI/AAAAAAAAAPg/O6Rm6Wcqocs/s200/stickynote5.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">I'm officially old. I know this because the other day, I had to
explain to my oldest son who Michael Jordan is.
From his 8-year old mindset, Kobe Bryant and Jeremy Lin are bona fide basketball
stars. Michael Jordan, on the other
hand, is the unfortunate owner of the worst team in the NBA, the Charlotte
Bobcats. That's my son's one and only
reference for the man (and he only knows this because he overheard his dad
mention it recently.) He had no idea
that once upon a time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Michael Jordan
sure could dunk.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">But getting back to my original point, I
started thinking about how things have changed since I was a kid growing up in
the 1980s. The very fact that I spend
mental energy contemplating how different my boys' lives are compared to my
childhood is a telltale sign of being old.
Because only old people utter sentences that begin with "When I was
your age..."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">So, lest I forget, here are 10 childhood
memories that my own kids will never experience:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">1. Mind-numbing boredom while traveling. Kids today never have to endure a
long flight or car ride without being entertained by at least three electronic devices.
Back when I was a kid, I stared out the window and counted Volkswagen beetles. For hours. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">2. Candy cigarettes. Before the Truth ads made kids equate smoking
with a cancer patient talking through a stoma, I remember feeling rather
sophisticated while pretending to inhale on a candy cigarette. It now seems bizarre to sell kids sugar packaged
like a tobacco product, but those were the '80s. Crazy times.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">3. Trapper Keepers. When I was in elementary school, almost
everyone carried one of these nifty contraptions to hold class notes, pencils,
fruit scented erasers, and a Casio calculator. All of the above have now been rendered
obsolete by any and all products created by Steve Jobs. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">4. Crank calling. Okay, I was bored a lot growing up in the
Midwest. I spent the better part of
third grade making crank calls with my best friend to boys in our class. Of course, that was before everyone had
caller ID, which has eliminated the anonymity required
for this useless but nonetheless entertaining pastime. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">5. Life-endangering playground
equipment. Remember those heavy aluminum seesaws (also called "teeter-totters")
that would propel you up and up and then send you crashing down with a thud to
the ground below? Well, if you were born
after 1990, you have no idea what I'm talking about because almost every seesaw
in America was removed after an explosion of lawsuits in the 1980s.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">6. Life-endangering car rides. Before the mid-1980s, kids were not legally
required to ride in car seats or wear seat belts. So carpooling involved cramming as many kids
into the back seat of a station wagon, all of whom were unbuckled and slid like
dominoes to one side when the car turned.
Whee!!!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">7. Saturday morning cartoons. Back when there were only three channels, you
couldn't wait to get up early on Saturday just to watch television. No, seriously... it was the highlight of my
weekends.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">8. Living with limited options. Remember
the "Choose Your Adventure" books?
Innovative at the time, each book allowed readers to decide how the
story developed. Of course, we were only given two or three alternatives, a far
cry from the complexity of role-playing games today.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">9. Lack of culinary sophistication. Back when I was a kid, we had birthday
parties at McDonald's and went "out" to eat at Pizza Hut on special
occasions. Now you can buy sushi at the
grocery store and a decent Cobb Salad at Wendy's.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">10.
Unrestrained wanderlust. After the school day, all of us "latchkey kids" rode our bikes or walked wherever we pleased without
adult supervision. We often explored the farmland that bordered my neighborhood. Nowadays, the thought of 9-year old girls wandering into remote cornfields at dusk is plain unnerving.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Hmm... maybe I don't feel that nostalgic after all. </span></span></div>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-59914095054012131262012-06-20T17:21:00.000-07:002013-10-04T10:22:48.010-07:00Chess Board Brownie Cake<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eZBQZ88drp4/UFyLN47QS_I/AAAAAAAAAfg/-Kp-1sujH0A/s1600/blogchess1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eZBQZ88drp4/UFyLN47QS_I/AAAAAAAAAfg/-Kp-1sujH0A/s320/blogchess1.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">
My
oldest son helped me make this chess board cake for a parent-child baking
contest a few summers ago. We won second
place! Since then, I've made different
iterations of this cake every year. Last year, I made the cake for his school chess club. Given the number of children, I assembled the board out of alternating brownie and blondie squares. This year, I experimented by cutting squares out of rolled fondant, laid over a thin layer of brownie cake. The boys proposed playing a game of blitz on this board, with the victor earning the right to eat any captured chocolate piece. I said no.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Ingredients:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1
box brownie mix</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">2
eggs</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1/2
cup oil</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1/4
cup water</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1
14-oz. package white candy melts (or white chocolate chips)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1
14-oz. package black or dark brown candy melts (or dark chocolate chips)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1
24-oz. box of Wilton's white fondant</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1
24-oz. box of Wilton's chocolate fondant</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Cream cheese frosting</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Chess
candy mold</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">To make the chess board:</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">2.
Coat a 12" x 12" baking pan in butter or margarine.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">3.
Combine eggs, water, oil and brownie mix in a mixing bowl and stir well. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">4.
Spread mixture into buttered pan. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">4.
Bake for 20 minutes.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">5.
When cooled, turn the entire cake upside down into a square serving platter.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">6.
Roll white and chocolate fondant, using a baker's rolling pin. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">7.
Cut flat fondant into 1 1/2" x 1 1/2" squares.</span></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bOnyLWJ6keM/T-Jr7DkE0MI/AAAAAAAAAPU/2JjHhoH12UM/s1600/blogchess3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bOnyLWJ6keM/T-Jr7DkE0MI/AAAAAAAAAPU/2JjHhoH12UM/s200/blogchess3.jpg" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">To make the chess pieces:</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1.
Melt candy melts in a medium saucepan over low heat, or in microwave on 50%
power for 90 seconds, stirring frequently.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">2.
Spoon melted candy melts into mold cavities.
Gently tap the mold on a hard surface, to level
out chocolate and remove air bubbles. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">3.
Place filled mold onto a flat surface in the freezer.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">4.
When solid, gently remove pieces by turning the mold upside
down and carefully tapping it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">5.
"Glue" the halves of each chess piece together using leftover melted
candy melts. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zg5eNkNK5Wg/T-I8CcIMPCI/AAAAAAAAAO4/_-VLPTbz8OM/s1600/blogchess2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zg5eNkNK5Wg/T-I8CcIMPCI/AAAAAAAAAO4/_-VLPTbz8OM/s200/blogchess2.jpg" width="175" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><i>To assemble the board:</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">1.
Spread a thin base layer of frosting over the entire brownie cake.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">2. Lay alternating white and chocolate fondant squares in an 8 x 8 square board.
</span></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">3. "Glue" the chess pieces onto the board using leftover melted candy
melts or frosting. </span></span></div>
LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-56932763259622189292012-06-17T19:17:00.001-07:002012-06-18T05:43:07.279-07:00How To Conquer Boredom: From A to Z<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My oldest son likes to make lists. When I'm
cleaning up, I often find crumpled pieces of paper containing numbered
items on subjects like "Steps to Take When My Brother Fights Me" and "Stuff to
Do When I'm Bored." Most of his
lists are about how to deal with boredom. Apparently, the child is bored a lot.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Last
night, I found a rather elaborate list when tidying up his room. He had come up with 26 things to do this
summer, one idea for every letter of the alphabet. He labeled it "The If You're Bored
Book." Here is the list, straight from the pen of an 8-year old boy (with a few minor edits for grammar and spelling):</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1.
Attack your brothers with lightsabers and start a duel.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2.
Build a barricade.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3.
Create a battle scene.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4.
Dash over to the fish tank and watch the fish.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5.
Eat a snack.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">6.
Fight invisible stormtroopers.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">7.
Get your brothers and make something up.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">8.
<s>Help with housework.</s> Hide and
seek. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">9.
I don't know one for the letter I.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">10.
Jump off the couch.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">11.
Kites.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">12.
Let your brothers chase you.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">13.
Make obstacles for your brothers.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">14.
Need more time to think.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">15.
Open the windows and talk to your next door neighbor.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">16.
Paint.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">17.
Quiet reading.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">18.
Race around the house. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">19.
Slide down the stair railing.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">20.
Teleport to Disney World. (Pretend.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">21.
Use Legos to build weapons.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">22.
Very fast running.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">23.
Wash yourself.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">24.
X-ray the fish.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">25.
Yo-yo.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">26.
Zoo.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Yeah, I guess that sounds about right. I think we're in for a long summer.</span></span></div>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-20863981040997055262012-06-15T13:51:00.000-07:002012-07-02T21:33:21.507-07:00Twenty Years of Field Observations<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-34uHdXrDlII/T80_QUagxxI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/nptbTlWnPN4/s1600/stickynote4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-34uHdXrDlII/T80_QUagxxI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/nptbTlWnPN4/s200/stickynote4.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My husband and I have been together
for over twenty years. After two decades, you would expect we finish each
other's sentences and communicate using only a combination of telepathy and
Morse code. The truth is, after more than half of my lifetime together, I can
honestly say that sometimes I still don't understand the male mind. Perhaps
that is why God gave me four boys. I can finally observe male behavior close up
in their natural habitat, from birth through adulthood, much like a biologist studies the ways of chimpanzees. From the little knowledge I've
gained from twenty years in the field, I offer ten observations about men:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">1. Men answer only the questions you ask out loud (not the
ones in your head that you secretly hope they'll figure out on their own). So
if you're afraid your husband has noticed you've gained weight, don't ask him
if you look fat in your jeans.<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2. Men never make romantic speeches like they do in the movies. For example, my husband has never once rattled off a list of things he loves about me like Harry tells Sally:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is what a speech from an actual man sounds like: </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Why are you wearing a swe</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">ater when it's 71 degrees outside? Just run around with the kids in the yard, and you'll warm up. I'm starving, can you order already? Stop looking at me like I'm nuts, I know what I'm doing. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can unwind in front of the television. And I love that you are the last person the kids want to talk to before they go to sleep at night. So you're okay if I don't help with their bedtime routine tonight, right? The second half just started."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3. Men buy stuff they don't need just because it's the latest technology. (Women, on the other hand, buy stuff they don't need just because it's on sale.) </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">4. Men apparently believe that shouting at the television when their team screws up will somehow make the players improve their game. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">5. Men don't think twice before pouring Gatorade into a 2-year old's sippy cup. They figure that because it's a sports drink enriched with vitamins, it must mean it's healthy. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">6. Even grown men secretly wish they were superheroes. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">7. A man enjoys quoting from his favorite movies with his male buddies, and he doesn't think he sounds like a dork when he chants, "Stay on target, stay on target..." He doesn't think it's funny, however, when you try to join in by calling him a "stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">8. Men can't seem to keep track of birthdays, anniversaries and social engagements, but they know exactly when, where and who their favorite team is playing next.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> 9. A man genuinely means it when he says he's thinking about nothing. (On the contrary, when a man asks a woman if something is on her mind and she answers "nothing," it usually means the man is in trouble.) </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">10. Men assume the most literal, basic meaning that can be attributed to any communication. For example, when I asked what he'd learned from spending twenty years with a member of the female sex, my husband thought for a moment and replied: "I guess I've learned some new vocabulary words." Not quite the grand and romantic epiphany I was hoping for, but he makes a point.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-23258912605607523212012-06-06T20:46:00.000-07:002012-06-15T13:48:54.436-07:00A Fine Line Between Running and Speed-Walking<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This week, my family is taking a road trip across
the country. Yesterday we spent the day in the National Museum of the Air
Force. As I walked through the museum doors, it occurred to me that because I
have only boys, my vacations are now spent visiting tourist attractions that
appeal to the testosterone-pumped half of the population: military fortresses,
aircraft carriers, warships, battlefields, and sports arenas. I must admit I
don't quite share the same enthusiasm for these sites as the rest of my family,
but I do my best to keep up.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The boys were bubbling with excitement as they
walked into the first hangar filled with military planes from WWII. The greeter
collecting admission tickets took one look at our family and froze. An
expression of panic crossed her face as she counted the number of boys ready to
burst ahead into the museum. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Please make sure your children do not run,
climb on the displays, or touch the aircraft," she scolded us
preemptively. She reminded me of a strict librarian, except that this was not a
sanctuary for quiet readers but an airplane hangar displaying bombers and
fighter jets. I wasn't sure why such severity was necessary, but I nodded
politely and tightened my grip on my 3-year old, who was already trying
desperately to wriggle free and dash toward a Warhawk. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Did you hear that?" I gathered my boys,
warning them sternly. "I trust you not to cross the ropes and climb on the
planes. So we have one rule today: no running in the museum, okay?" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well, you can guess how difficult it was for the
boys not to run in an enormous hangar filled with all manner of military
aircraft. Every few minutes, I had to remind the boys to slow down. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"I'm not running," my 3-year old informed
me, rather proud of himself. "I'm speed-walking." He headed toward an
attack helicopter, shuffling his feet as fast as he could while keeping his
arms straight and pinned to his hips. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"You said no <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">running</i>," my oldest son added, following his brother's brisk
pace, "which means we can trot. And jog. And skip." </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Skipping is for girls," my 6-year old
interjected. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"You know what I meant by no running," I
replied. Sometimes I can't help but feel proud of the boys when they make
semantic distinctions on their own. The lawyer in me thinks they are already
practicing the basics of statutory interpretation. The parent in me, however,
knows I have to do the grownup thing and enforce the rule.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Just as I was about to launch into a lecture about
keeping the letter of the law versus obeying the spirit of the law, I spotted
my husband. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed him sprinting toward a
stealth bomber in the next hangar. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"You've got to see this one!" he
exclaimed. "Come on, boys!" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And with that, the chain of command changed and
the boys took off, running at full speed toward their dad. </span><br />
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I
was left standing, holding the baby in my arms. Not yet a year old, my
youngest was content to stay behind with me for now. I looked into his
gentle eyes and smiled. I know it's only a matter of time before he
takes
his first steps, and then he too will run, or maybe speed-walk, ahead to wherever his boyish interests lead him.</div>
</div>LifeAmongPirates.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401382327125414273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7381429525589156457.post-38661501233618425292012-06-04T15:46:00.000-07:002013-08-28T05:52:27.870-07:00Confession #6: You Mean "911" Isn't a Helpline for New Parents?<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">New parents tend to be
pretty uptight about their first baby. When
you bring that first child home from the hospital, it suddenly hits you that
you're completely in charge of a miniature human being. It's pretty daunting. You don't want to screw up. So you read a lot of parenting books in the
hopes that you'll do everything correctly. And you try to avoid every
scenario that may present even the most hypothetical, remote danger to the
baby.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">By your third or fourth child, you lighten up. You accept the fact that you can't protect your child from every possible harm
known to mankind. There will always be
playground bullies, flu outbreaks, and bike accidents that even the most
careful parent can't prevent.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">I was no exception to the
borderline paranoid tendencies that I now refer to as "first-time parent
syndrome." I think I could qualify
as a textbook case. No, I think I could
write the textbook.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">For example, I've seen enough cuts, scrapes and
bruises by now such that I simply hand over a band-aid without batting an eye. As long as there are no broken bones, we're
good. But the first time I saw blood, I
panicked. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">I had been a working mom
through most of my first son's infancy.
After the standard maternity leave, I was back at the law firm while my
husband worked from home and took care of the baby during the day. About a year into this arrangement, he was called
away on a business trip to the West Coast. So I took a week of vacation and brought my
case files home. This was the first time
I had sole responsibility of my firstborn for more than a few hours. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Toward the end of this week,
I was finally beginning to feel confident in my mothering skills. By Friday morning, I had figured out how to review
depositions and entertain a 10-month old at the same time. Close to noon, the telephone rang. I hurried out of the bedroom to answer it,
intending to return immediately with the phone in hand. However, the baby started in my direction,
anxious to follow me. In his eagerness,
he stumbled over a wooden alphabet block and fell, facedown, on top of it. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Mind you, he was not yet
walking, so the distance a crawling baby has to hit the ground is only a few
inches. Nevertheless, he somehow managed
to cut the inside of his lip, right near the gum line. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Before I knew it, his mouth
filled with blood. I tried to apply
pressure, but I couldn't see the cut, and I panicked. The following questions crossed my mind: Is it
possible for a baby to choke on his own blood?
Is there some kind of oral analgesic or first aid I'm supposed to use to
treat a cut <i>inside</i> a baby's
mouth? Was this scenario covered in one
of the baby books, and if so, how could I have missed it? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">I thought about calling the
pediatrician's office for advice, but knew it would take several minutes before
any nurse would return the call. So I
did the only thing I could think of at that moment... I dialed 911.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">In my defense, I had never
called 911 before, and I figured someone would just talk me through how to
treat the cut on the phone. However, five
minutes later, three stocky paramedics showed up in an ambulance at my front
door. They rushed in, carrying a
defibrillator and various other bulky life saving equipment. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"Where's the
baby?" one of them asked, rapidly scanning my house. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">The little guy was sitting
in a corner. His face was smeared with
dried blood. But by now, the bleeding
had already stopped on its own. I picked
him up, and he giggled.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"Where did you say he
fell?" another inquired, examining the patient.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"He didn't exactly
fall," I replied sheepishly. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"Did he roll down the
stairs?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"No, that wasn't what
happened either." The paramedic looked
perplexed.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"Well," I
continued, "he was crawling on the floor, and I suppose he must have
slipped on a toy." The three paramedics
exchanged glances at each other. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"Was he unconscious for
any period of time?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"No." The baby giggled again.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"So let me get this
straight," the head paramedic concluded, "the baby didn't fall down a
flight of stairs, he never lost consciousness, and the bleeding stopped right
after you called 911."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">I nodded, wondering if there
was some law that allows emergency response teams to sue people for wasting
their time. He just chuckled.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">"I'm guessing this is
your first child." There are few times in my life
when I've felt more ridiculous.</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">The entire visit probably
lasted five minutes. The head paramedic awkwardly
asked me to sign a waiver to refuse emergency transport to the hospital,
apologizing that it was standard procedure.
I could tell they would all have a good laugh at my expense once they
were back in the privacy of the ambulance.
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">My only excuse for all of
this crazy behavior? A bad case of
first-time parent syndrome. Until you've
been afflicted, don't judge too harshly.
And the cure? That's easy... just
have another child. </span></span></div>
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