Did I Really Just Say That?

My husband likes to point out how loud I've become in the last few years.  "You're definitely not the same girl I met in high school," he'll mutter and segue to how, somewhere between litigating and raising boys, the volume and pitch of my speech changed.  Next, he'll nostalgically slip in a few adjectives like nice and quiet to describe the "old" me, purportedly in contrast to the "new" me, who can belt out orders like a drill sergeant on the first day of boot camp. 

And it's not simply the change in decibels that is surprising.  If I catch my breath, sometimes even I don't believe the words that come out of my mouth.  Gone are the days of discussing which Jane Austen hero makes a better suitor--Darcy or Knightley; or what to serve for an afternoon tea--scones or sandwiches?  Nowadays, conversations (and I use that term very loosely) instead revolve around such highbrow topics like how badly one needs to go potty, and the all-important question--pee or poop?

So I started making notes of absurdities uttered during the day that seem perfectly normal now that I'm a military sergeant (oh, I mean, mom of boys).  After one week of careful linguistic observations, I offer a sampling of ten sentences I never imagined would become regular parts of speech:

1. Are you wearing underpants?

2. I don't care if he says he likes it; you're not allowed to barricade your brother inside a laundry basket.  

3. What part of "Library books aren't meant to be used as skateboards" do you not understand?

4. Yes, I suppose it does sound like a fart; but I hope you realize you have other talents worth developing too.

5. That is quite possibly the most awesome supersonic flying automatic weapon you've ever built.

6. Is a booby trap really necessary here?

7. Even if we had more duct tape, I wouldn't give it to you.

8. Does that smell like pee to you?

9. Please tell me you didn't just drop that in the toilet.

10. For the nth time, why aren't you wearing underpants?!?

When I Was Your Age...

I'm officially old.  I know this because the other day, I had to explain to my oldest son who Michael Jordan is.  From his 8-year old mindset, Kobe Bryant and Jeremy Lin are bona fide basketball stars.  Michael Jordan, on the other hand, is the unfortunate owner of the worst team in the NBA, the Charlotte Bobcats.  That's my son's one and only reference for the man (and he only knows this because he overheard his dad mention it recently.)  He had no idea that once upon a time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Michael Jordan sure could dunk.

But getting back to my original point, I started thinking about how things have changed since I was a kid growing up in the 1980s.  The very fact that I spend mental energy contemplating how different my boys' lives are compared to my childhood is a telltale sign of being old.  Because only old people utter sentences that begin with "When I was your age..."

So, lest I forget, here are 10 childhood memories that my own kids will never experience:

1. Mind-numbing boredom while traveling.  Kids today never have to endure a long flight or car ride without being entertained by at least three electronic devices. Back when I was a kid, I stared out the window and counted Volkswagen beetles.  For hours.

2. Candy cigarettes.  Before the Truth ads made kids equate smoking with a cancer patient talking through a stoma, I remember feeling rather sophisticated while pretending to inhale on a candy cigarette.  It now seems bizarre to sell kids sugar packaged like a tobacco product, but those were the '80s.  Crazy times.

3. Trapper Keepers.  When I was in elementary school, almost everyone carried one of these nifty contraptions to hold class notes, pencils, fruit scented erasers, and a Casio calculator.  All of the above have now been rendered obsolete by any and all products created by Steve Jobs.

4. Crank calling.  Okay, I was bored a lot growing up in the Midwest.  I spent the better part of third grade making crank calls with my best friend to boys in our class.  Of course, that was before everyone had caller ID, which has eliminated the anonymity required for this useless but nonetheless entertaining pastime.   

5. Life-endangering playground equipment. Remember those heavy aluminum seesaws (also called "teeter-totters") that would propel you up and up and then send you crashing down with a thud to the ground below?  Well, if you were born after 1990, you have no idea what I'm talking about because almost every seesaw in America was removed after an explosion of lawsuits in the 1980s.

6. Life-endangering car rides.  Before the mid-1980s, kids were not legally required to ride in car seats or wear seat belts.  So carpooling involved cramming as many kids into the back seat of a station wagon, all of whom were unbuckled and slid like dominoes to one side when the car turned.  Whee!!!

7. Saturday morning cartoons.  Back when there were only three channels, you couldn't wait to get up early on Saturday just to watch television.  No, seriously... it was the highlight of my weekends.

8. Living with limited options.  Remember the "Choose Your Adventure" books?  Innovative at the time, each book allowed readers to decide how the story developed. Of course, we were only given two or three alternatives, a far cry from the complexity of role-playing games today.

9. Lack of culinary sophistication.  Back when I was a kid, we had birthday parties at McDonald's and went "out" to eat at Pizza Hut on special occasions.  Now you can buy sushi at the grocery store and a decent Cobb Salad at Wendy's.

 

10. Unrestrained wanderlust.  After the school day, all of us "latchkey kids" rode our bikes or walked wherever we pleased without adult supervision.  We often explored the farmland that bordered my neighborhood.  Nowadays, the thought of 9-year old girls wandering into remote cornfields at dusk is plain unnerving.

Hmm... maybe I don't feel that nostalgic after all.

Twenty Years of Field Observations

My husband and I have been together for over twenty years. After two decades, you would expect we finish each other's sentences and communicate using only a combination of telepathy and Morse code. The truth is, after more than half of my lifetime together, I can honestly say that sometimes I still don't understand the male mind. Perhaps that is why God gave me four boys. I can finally observe male behavior close up in their natural habitat, from birth through adulthood, much like a biologist studies the ways of chimpanzees. From the little knowledge I've gained from twenty years in the field, I offer ten observations about men: 

1. Men answer only the questions you ask out loud (not the ones in your head that you secretly hope they'll figure out on their own). So if you're afraid your husband has noticed you've gained weight, don't ask him if you look fat in your jeans.

2. Men never make romantic speeches like they do in the movies. For example, my husband has never once rattled off a list of things he loves about me like Harry tells Sally:

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night."

This is what a speech from an actual man sounds like:

"Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 71 degrees outside? Just run around with the kids in the yard, and you'll warm up. I'm starving, can you order already? Stop looking at me like I'm nuts, I know what I'm doing. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can unwind in front of the television. And I love that you are the last person the kids want to talk to before they go to sleep at night. So you're okay if I don't help with their bedtime routine tonight, right? The second half just started."

3. Men buy stuff they don't need just because it's the latest technology. (Women, on the other hand, buy stuff they don't need just because it's on sale.) 

4. Men apparently believe that shouting at the television when their team screws up will somehow make the players improve their game.

5. Men don't think twice before pouring Gatorade into a 2-year old's sippy cup. They figure that because it's a sports drink enriched with vitamins, it must mean it's healthy.

6. Even grown men secretly wish they were superheroes.

7. A man enjoys quoting from his favorite movies with his male buddies, and he doesn't think he sounds like a dork when he chants, "Stay on target, stay on target..." He doesn't think it's funny, however, when you try to join in by calling him a "stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder."

8. Men can't seem to keep track of birthdays, anniversaries and social engagements, but they know exactly when, where and who their favorite team is playing next.

9. A man genuinely means it when he says he's thinking about nothing. (On the contrary, when a man asks a woman if something is on her mind and she answers "nothing," it usually means the man is in trouble.)

10. Men assume the most literal, basic meaning that can be attributed to any communication. For example, when I asked what he'd learned from spending twenty years with a member of the female sex, my husband thought for a moment and replied: "I guess I've learned some new vocabulary words." Not quite the grand and romantic epiphany I was hoping for, but he makes a point.

Are You Ready to Raise Boys?

How do you know if you are ready to raise a family of boys?  Raising multiple boys requires highly developed skills in multi-tasking, project management, negotiation and diplomacy, for which no amount of education like a law degree can adequately prepare you.  It involves patience, perseverance and a lot of band-aids.  Raising boys is a full-time gig that lasts an entire lifetime, and certainly not one for the weak-willed or faint-hearted.  Here are ten simple tests to determine if you're up for the task!

1. Go to a local batting cage and fill two or three baseball pitching machines with Nerf darts.  Place the pitching machines so they face one other, and then position yourself in the middle.  Have someone turn the machines on.  Now, try to balance your checkbook, read your email and carry a conversation with your mother on the phone, all while dodging Nerf darts. 

2. Buy three or four parakeets and place them in front of a microphone.  Turn up the volume on your speaker until you can no longer hear yourself think.  This is similar to what you will hear every day for the next ten years.

3. Head to your grocery store.  Bring with you one spider monkey for every son you plan to have.  Place one monkey in a cart and hold the rest of the monkeys by hand while you push your cart across the parking lot.  Buy your entire week's groceries without letting the monkeys out of your sight.  Pay for everything the monkeys eat or destroy.  Now repeat this exercise once every week for five years.

4. Fill a shoebox with Legos (you may substitute thumbtacks for Legos).  Have someone spread the entire contents of the shoebox throughout your house.  Now, put on a blindfold and walk barefoot around your house without screaming.  If you pass this test, you can wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink of water.

5. Go to an aquarium and ask to borrow a baby octopus.  Rub cooking oil over the entire surface of the octopus while it is underwater.  Now rinse and repeat.  Take the octopus out of the water, and wrap it in a large piece of newspaper.  Finally, transfer the octopus from the newspaper into a potato sack with four holes cut out of it, so that only four of its arms hang out of the holes.  You are now ready to bathe and dress a small boy.

6. Can you handle the mess that a pack of boys can make in your car?  Put a popsicle in the glove compartment and leave it there for a week.  Now jam a quarter into the CD player.  Finally, take a box of goldfish crackers and crumble them along the back row of seats.  Until you are prepared to accept this level of untidiness, do not attempt a road trip with boys.

7. Collect the following items: an empty toilet paper tube, two ping pong balls, one pipe cleaner, and a handful of uncooked rigatoni.  Using only a glue stick, assemble these items into a three-dimensional model of Thomas the Tank Engine.  Time allotted for this exercise: 10 minutes.  You are now qualified to host a boys' playgroup!

8. Buy something expensive for yourself like a pearl necklace.  Now hand it over to a puppy.

9. Find a user manual of any kind.  Read the first sentence.  Wait 60 seconds.  Now read the sentence again, a little louder.  Wait another 60 seconds.  Read it again, even louder.  Now go on to the second sentence and repeat this process until you're finished with the entire manual.  You now have the patience required to provide a week's worth of instruction to boys!

10. Take an egg from your refrigerator, and roll it down a flight of stairs.  If your heart doesn't skip a beat, you have the inner strength to watch your son fall off a bike, learn to skateboard, and leave home for college.

How to be a Europhile Without Leaving Home

After we had our first child, my husband and I were determined that parenting would not bring a swift end to our wanderlust.  Our firstborn turned out to be a natural world traveler.  He had no trouble adjusting to time zone changes or sleeping in a bed that wasn't his own, and he enjoyed the stimulation of new people and places.  At age 1, we took him to Spain, Italy and France.  Then our second son came along, and we forged through the U.K. and Norway with both boys, then ages 1 and 3.  Most recently, we completed a two-week road trip starting in France, winding through the Swiss Alps, and ending in Italy, with three boys (ages 2, 4 and 6) in tow. 

Now that our fourth son has arrived, however, we are finally starting to think twice before crossing the Atlantic with the entire brood.  As we consider where to venture this summer, we find ourselves with the predicament of being diehard Europhiles who also have four young children.  In other words, we may actually be landlocked!  

What's an enterprising mother to do?  I have brainstormed ten simple ways a family like ours can enjoy the experience of the European vacation without ever leaving the house.  Just guess how long this family will last before checking airfares to Paris. 

1.  Move the kitchen table out to the front porch, and you now have your own open air cafe!  Make sure all meals are served in bite-sized portions and then demand $8 from each child for a glass of water.

2. Require your children to speak only in a British accent, because let's admit it... everything sounds better that way.

3. Park the big honkin' minivan at the grandparents' house for a week, and figure out how to cram two adults and four children into a Prius.

4. Always keep a camera strapped around your neck, and take photos of every corner and nook of your house.  It doesn't really matter where you point your camera... remember, this is make-believe Europe where every vista has an interesting architectural element or detail that you must capture on film!

5. Charge each member of the family the equivalent of 1 Euro to use the toilet.  But make sure that 1 Euro includes some extras like breath mints next to the sink.

6. Spray-paint "Look Left" and "Look Right" along the sidewalks of your neighborhood.  And inside your house, place a few helpful signs that say "Way Out" and my personal favorite, "Mind the Gap." 

7. Serve all beverages, including milk, at room temperature.

8. Inform your children that every day in the afternoon, you will observe a siesta during which time all services normally provided by Mom will no longer be available.

9. Every time a member of the family walks through the front door, demand to be paid a "house congestion charge."

10. When your children ask you for anything, shake your head and mutter in your snootiest French accent, "Sacre bleu, les Americanes!"

Advice for Living with Boys

As the only female in a male-dominated household, I am now realizing the extent to which I am hopelessly outnumbered by boys (five of them to be exact... since as any honest wife can attest, a husband is just a large-sized boy).  I am often asked how I manage with four sons, especially since they are seven years old and younger.  After doing some thinking on the subject, I hereby offer ten practical suggestions on living with boys:

1. Always check the toilet seat before sitting down.

2. Accept that discussion of bodily functions make up a significant portion of conversation among boys. For reasons only known to them, boys derive some innate pleasure in announcing that a bodily function has taken place almost as much as they enjoy the action itself. So you might as well start developing a sense of humor about how many words rhyme with "poop" and "fart".

3. When shopping, resist the urge to browse (or buy for the future, "just in case") frilly pink dresses, tea sets, and American Girl dolls. The only doll you'll have in your house is one that comes with her own weapon and kicks butt (think Ahsoka from the Clone Wars).

4. Learn to play with action figures. To do this properly, you must think like a boy. This requires not only being prepared to debate the advantages of a lightsaber versus a blaster, but understanding that Luke and Anakin actually want to slay each other.  They do not want to plant a garden, have a tea party, or talk about their father-son issues over coffee.  They simply want to dismember each other. 

5. Realize that a little boy is not much different from a puppy. He needs time every day to run in the yard, and he will return to the house covered in mud, yapping about having outrun a squirrel.

6. Stop hating sports. Boys are very active, and it's far better to channel their energy into athletics than keep them indoors (see point above about boys and puppies). Just accept that your Saturday mornings will now be spent on a variety of athletic fields, and invest in a sturdy lawn chair and cooler.

7. Don't be offended if you're speared, impaled, shot with arrows, or fired upon in make-believe battles. You have been considered a worthy adversary. So develop a repertoire of wounded and dying gesticulations, the more dramatic the better.

8. If you want to encourage reading at home, remember that literature is best digested by boys if it comes in comic book format. And accept the fact that boys will never want to read Jane Eyre or Anne of Green Gables together (not unless Anne has a twin brother Andy who has robotic laser guns for arms, and Green Gables is actually a code name for a secret military fortress).

9. Understand that the sole purpose of building a Lego tower is to knock it down.

10. Remember that boys don't give a hoot if their shoes don't match their outfits. The only "accessorizing" a boy needs involves strapping on a bike helmet or shin guards. So if your maternal urges require coordinating sock colors, buy a Ken doll.