If I Pretend I'm Not Listening, Maybe They'll Stop Talking

I'm having a bit of a dilemma.  My 3- and 6-year old sons have decided that the phrase "butt crack" is the most hilarious thing on the planet.  I have no idea where they learned the term (one of them insists they heard it on PBS), but they are now slipping it into whatever sentence they can, whether it makes sense or not, and then laughing uncontrollably at how ingenious they are.  For example, this morning we were at a drive-through window when one of them decided he would go for it.

"Can I have a chocolate donut," my 6-year old called from the back seat of the minivan, and then paused for dramatic effect, "with sprinkles and a butt crack?"

"Excuse me," his younger brother added, trying to lean his head out the window to make contact with the drive-through operator, "Can I have a butt crack too?"

They exploded in laughter.

"So," I asked while we were driving away, "do either of you comedians even know what 'butt crack' means?"  They looked at each other with blank stares. 

"No idea," my 3-year old replied.

"'Butt' is a funny word," his accomplice added.  

My first son, who thinks his brothers' behavior is too infantile for his 8-year old sensibilities, just shook his head.

"Mom, they're being gross again," he hollered.  "Aren't you going to do something about them?"

Herein lies my dilemma.  Every once in a while, I engage in the wishful thinking that if I ignore the misbehavior in question, it will go away on its own.  I suppose it's lazy parenting on my part.  Especially when someone like my 8-year old calls me on it.  On the other hand, the last time I made an issue of a particular word, the boys thought it was even more uproariously clever to say it in public.  So they kept saying the word.  Repeatedly.

Before "butt crack", it was "penis." 

"What's wrong with saying 'penis'?" they asked a few months ago.  "Is it a bad word?"

"Well, no..." I replied, "but you probably shouldn't say it out loud in public."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's a word that describes a private part of your body," I stammered, hoping this line of questioning would somehow resolve on its own, "and you should talk about private things in private."

"Why is it private if everyone has a penis?" my 6-year old asked. I hesitated, wondering if I was going to regret where this conversation was headed.

"Not everyone has a penis."

"What?!? " my 3-year old gasped.

"Only boys have them, so girls might not necessarily appreciate you talking in front of them about penises."

"You don't have a penis?" he replied in utter disbelief.

"No," I answered slowly, "I'm not a boy... so therefore, I don't have a penis."  He thought about it for a moment.

"How do you pee?"

"You know," I continued, "we can talk about this more when you're older.  But for now, just try not to say the word 'penis' in public."

Once boys know there is something taboo about a word, then all of a sudden it becomes a riot to say it.  So the following day, as I was standing in the checkout line of our grocery store, my 3-year old blurted out: "Mommy, you must have a penis!"  He erupted in giggles.

I glanced nervously at the clerk bagging my groceries, and pretended not to hear him.  If I ignore him, I thought, maybe he will just stop talking on his own.  Wishful thinking.

"Mom," he repeated, even louder, "I said... you have a penis!" 

"We talked about this last night," I whispered, hushing him.  "You know perfectly well that I don't."

"Mommy doesn't have a penis!" he exclaimed with glee, as loudly as he could.  I could tell the clerk was also pretending not to notice now.  My son, on the other hand, knew he had a captive audience.  Rather pleased with himself, he repeated the word at least another five times before we finally made it out of the grocery store. 

Between "penis" and "butt crack", I suppose I prefer the latter.  But I'm still hoping this latest phase will blow over on its own, and the comedy duo will come up with some new material soon.  Maybe, just maybe... if I work on my poker face a bit more, they'll stop trying to embarrass me in public.

Chocolate Cookie Hamburger and Apple Fries

Summer is a great season for backyard cookouts. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm the one flipping burgers in this 100 degree weather we've been having lately.  No, I'm content inviting myself over to my sister's house and letting her husband do the grilling. As for me, I'll bring dessert.  If you're looking for a fun treat for the kids after they've finished their hamburger and fries, try putting together your own sweet version.  The miniature hamburger is only one mouthful (about 1 1/2" in diameter) and about 80 calories.

Ingredients:

Nilla Wafers

Skinny Cow Chocolate Clusters (or York Peppermint Patties)

Sesame Seeds

Green Fruit Roll-Ups

Yellow Fruit Roll-Ups

Strawberry Jelly

Apples (or peaches)

To make hamburger and fries:

1. Cut green Fruit Roll-Ups into lettuce leaf shapes, with jagged edges.  (You can also pull the edges slightly to create a natural leafy shape.)

2. Cut yellow Fruit Roll-Ups into squares.

3. Arrange each "hamburger" from bottom to top: Nilla Wafer, Chocolate Cluster, Yellow Fruit Roll-Ups square, strawberry jelly, green Fruit Roll-Ups leaves, and Nilla Wafer.

4. Sprinkle sesame seeds on top.

5. Slice apples into thin sticks.

6. Arrange apple fries with strawberry jelly ("ketchup").

Just Use the Force, Mom

A few weeks ago, my 3-year old stood observing me as I was trying to force open a jammed drawer.  He looked at me quizzically and remarked in complete seriousness: "Mommy, just use the force."  

I chuckled but didn't think much of the comment.  Then, last night, this same son refused to brush his teeth.  I found him hiding in the shower.  My oldest son informed me, "He's waiting for you to use the Jedi mind trick."

"Are you serious?"

"You can do it, Mom," my 6-year old nodded earnestly.  I could feel three sets of eyes on me, waiting expectantly for my next move.

So I slowly waved my hand and said, "You will brush your teeth."  The little guy stepped out of the shower, grinning from ear to ear, took the toothbrush from my hand, and promptly began brushing his teeth.

Oh boy, I thought to myself, what has this family come to?  Sure, Daddy has an authentic Stormtrooper helmet and armor in his closet, and Mommy actually knows the difference between a Mandalorian and a Geonosian... I mean who doesn't, right?  And the boys probably have enough "Star Wars" toys to start their own Ebay business someday.  They haven't watched the movies in their entirety yet, but they've read enough "Star Wars" picture books to know what happens from Tatooine to Endor.

Still, I'd like to be certain that: (1) the boys understand the difference between science fiction and reality; and (2) we're not the kind of "Star Wars" fanatics that show up at Comic-Con dressed as characters from Episode IV, whom everyone laughs at because they are so ridiculous... are we?

So I started thinking about the boys' current interest in all things "Star Wars."  I don't know yet if it's just a passing phase, but I suppose "Star Wars" is a rite of passage for nerdy boys everywhere.  And let's face it... we are a family of nerds.

What do you get when you cross a female math major who uses Superglue to fix her glasses, with an engineering major whose hobbies include coding family vacation plans in Excel?  The answer is elementary: a litter of nerdy boys.    

And that is what I have in my home.  The boys love computer games, and think there's nothing more hilarious than setting their Ipad audiobooks to read aloud in French or Japanese. They ask to do math problems on long road trips for "fun." They come up with cringeworthy dance moves, completely oblivious to their own lack of rhythm.  They exhibit klutzy, accident-prone tendencies from time to time, and have been known to hike up their pants and socks too high for their own good.  They are nerds, just like their parents.

Alas, I guess "Star Wars" fits right into the nerd quotient of our family.  There's no point in fighting it.  So, tomorrow night, when I'm faced with another toothbrush standoff, I will calmly tell my 3-year old in my best Yoda voice: "Much to learn, you still have, my young padawan.  Brush or brush not, there is no try."

Fruit Jello Slices

My boys love jello.  There's something about food that wiggles which makes them happy.  And if you add an extra package of unflavored gelatin, the result is firm enough to cut into funny shapes.  Below are kid-friendly versions of the "jello shots" traditionally filled with vodka: non-alcoholic jello slices with fresh, pureed fruit.  You can also skip the blender and make jello straight from the mix.  This is a surprisingly easy recipe... especially for moms who are short on time and lacking in culinary talent (like me)!

Ingredients:

1 package of 3 oz. watermelon flavored Jell-O

1 package of 3 oz. lime flavored Jell-O

1 package of 3 oz. orange flavored Jell-O

1 package of 3 oz. pineapple flavored Jell-O

1 package of 3 oz. lemon flavored Jell-O 

5 packages Knox unflavored gelatin

5 cups boiling water 

4 cups cold water

1 cup chopped strawberries

1 cup chopped canteloupe

1 small watermelon

2 large oranges

8 limes

4 lemons

1 pineapple

Black licorice chews, sliced to resemble seeds

To make watermelon slices:

1. Cut watermelon in half and hollow out the inside.

2. Puree strawberries.

3. Mix in 1/2 cup cold water and blend until liquefied.  Strain to remove seeds and fruit pulp.

4. In separate bowl, combine 1 package of watermelon flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.  Stir well.

5. Add 1 cup strawberry juice to mixture and stir well.

6. Pour mixture into halved watermelons, and skim off any foam.

7. Refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm.

8. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.

9. Add sliced licorice pieces.

To make orange slices:

1. Cut oranges in half and hollow out the insides.

2. Puree canteloupe.

3. Mix in 1/2 cup cold water to puree and blend until liquefied.  Strain to remove pulp.

4. In separate bowl, combine 1 package of orange flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.  Stir well.

5. Add 1 cup canteloupe juice to Jell-O mixture and stir well.

6. Pour mixture into halved oranges, and skim off any foam.

7. Refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm.

8. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.

To make lemon slices:

1. Cut lemons in half and hollow out the insides.

2. Combine 1 package of lemon flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.  Stir well.

3. Add 1 cup of cold water and stir.

4. Pour mixture into halved lemons and refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm.

5. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.

To make lime slices:

1. Cut limes in half and hollow out the insides.

2. Combine 1 package of lime flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.  Stir well.

3. Add 1 cup of cold water and stir.

4. Pour mixture into halved limes and refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm.

5. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.

To make pineapple slices:

1. Cut pineapple top off and hollow out the inside.

2. Cook pineapple shell in boiling water for a few minutes, and remove.  Let dry.  (The boiling process destroys the proteolytic enzymes in fresh pineapple, that otherwise break down the proteins required for gelatin to solidify.)   

3. In separate bowl, combine 1 package of pineapple flavored Jell-O powder and 1 package of unflavored gelatin into 1 cup of boiling water.  Stir well.

4. Add 1 cup cold water to Jell-O mixture and stir well.

5. Pour mixture into pineapple and refrigerate for 4-6 hours, or until firm.

7. Once gelatin is firm, cut fruit molds into slices.

When I Was Your Age...

I'm officially old.  I know this because the other day, I had to explain to my oldest son who Michael Jordan is.  From his 8-year old mindset, Kobe Bryant and Jeremy Lin are bona fide basketball stars.  Michael Jordan, on the other hand, is the unfortunate owner of the worst team in the NBA, the Charlotte Bobcats.  That's my son's one and only reference for the man (and he only knows this because he overheard his dad mention it recently.)  He had no idea that once upon a time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Michael Jordan sure could dunk.

But getting back to my original point, I started thinking about how things have changed since I was a kid growing up in the 1980s.  The very fact that I spend mental energy contemplating how different my boys' lives are compared to my childhood is a telltale sign of being old.  Because only old people utter sentences that begin with "When I was your age..."

So, lest I forget, here are 10 childhood memories that my own kids will never experience:

1. Mind-numbing boredom while traveling.  Kids today never have to endure a long flight or car ride without being entertained by at least three electronic devices. Back when I was a kid, I stared out the window and counted Volkswagen beetles.  For hours.

2. Candy cigarettes.  Before the Truth ads made kids equate smoking with a cancer patient talking through a stoma, I remember feeling rather sophisticated while pretending to inhale on a candy cigarette.  It now seems bizarre to sell kids sugar packaged like a tobacco product, but those were the '80s.  Crazy times.

3. Trapper Keepers.  When I was in elementary school, almost everyone carried one of these nifty contraptions to hold class notes, pencils, fruit scented erasers, and a Casio calculator.  All of the above have now been rendered obsolete by any and all products created by Steve Jobs.

4. Crank calling.  Okay, I was bored a lot growing up in the Midwest.  I spent the better part of third grade making crank calls with my best friend to boys in our class.  Of course, that was before everyone had caller ID, which has eliminated the anonymity required for this useless but nonetheless entertaining pastime.   

5. Life-endangering playground equipment. Remember those heavy aluminum seesaws (also called "teeter-totters") that would propel you up and up and then send you crashing down with a thud to the ground below?  Well, if you were born after 1990, you have no idea what I'm talking about because almost every seesaw in America was removed after an explosion of lawsuits in the 1980s.

6. Life-endangering car rides.  Before the mid-1980s, kids were not legally required to ride in car seats or wear seat belts.  So carpooling involved cramming as many kids into the back seat of a station wagon, all of whom were unbuckled and slid like dominoes to one side when the car turned.  Whee!!!

7. Saturday morning cartoons.  Back when there were only three channels, you couldn't wait to get up early on Saturday just to watch television.  No, seriously... it was the highlight of my weekends.

8. Living with limited options.  Remember the "Choose Your Adventure" books?  Innovative at the time, each book allowed readers to decide how the story developed. Of course, we were only given two or three alternatives, a far cry from the complexity of role-playing games today.

9. Lack of culinary sophistication.  Back when I was a kid, we had birthday parties at McDonald's and went "out" to eat at Pizza Hut on special occasions.  Now you can buy sushi at the grocery store and a decent Cobb Salad at Wendy's.

 

10. Unrestrained wanderlust.  After the school day, all of us "latchkey kids" rode our bikes or walked wherever we pleased without adult supervision.  We often explored the farmland that bordered my neighborhood.  Nowadays, the thought of 9-year old girls wandering into remote cornfields at dusk is plain unnerving.

Hmm... maybe I don't feel that nostalgic after all.

Chess Board Brownie Cake

My oldest son helped me make this chess board cake for a parent-child baking contest a few summers ago.  We won second place!  Since then, I've made different iterations of this cake every year.  Last year, I made the cake for his school chess club.  Given the number of children, I assembled the board out of alternating brownie and blondie squares.  This year, I experimented by cutting squares out of rolled fondant, laid over a thin layer of brownie cake.  The boys proposed playing a game of blitz on this board, with the victor earning the right to eat any captured chocolate piece.  I said no.

Ingredients:

1 box brownie mix

2 eggs

1/2 cup oil

1/4 cup water

1 14-oz. package white candy melts (or white chocolate chips)

1 14-oz. package black or dark brown candy melts (or dark chocolate chips)

1 24-oz. box of Wilton's white fondant

1 24-oz. box of Wilton's chocolate fondant
Cream cheese frosting

Chess candy mold

To make the chess board:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. 

2. Coat a 12" x 12" baking pan in butter or margarine.

3. Combine eggs, water, oil and brownie mix in a mixing bowl and stir well.

4. Spread mixture into buttered pan.   

4. Bake for 20 minutes.

5. When cooled, turn the entire cake upside down into a square serving platter.

6. Roll white and chocolate fondant, using a baker's rolling pin. 

7. Cut flat fondant into 1 1/2" x 1 1/2" squares.

To make the chess pieces:

1. Melt candy melts in a medium saucepan over low heat, or in microwave on 50% power for 90 seconds, stirring frequently.

2. Spoon melted candy melts into mold cavities.  Gently tap the mold on a hard surface, to level out chocolate and remove air bubbles.

3. Place filled mold onto a flat surface in the freezer.

4. When solid, gently remove pieces by turning the mold upside down and carefully tapping it. 

5. "Glue" the halves of each chess piece together using leftover melted candy melts.

To assemble the board:
1. Spread a thin base layer of frosting over the entire brownie cake.
2. Lay alternating white and chocolate fondant squares in an 8 x 8 square board. 

3. "Glue" the chess pieces onto the board using leftover melted candy melts or frosting. 

How To Conquer Boredom: From A to Z

My oldest son likes to make lists.  When I'm cleaning up, I often find crumpled pieces of paper containing numbered items on subjects like "Steps to Take When My Brother Fights Me" and "Stuff to Do When I'm Bored."  Most of his lists are about how to deal with boredom.  Apparently, the child is bored a lot.

Last night, I found a rather elaborate list when tidying up his room.  He had come up with 26 things to do this summer, one idea for every letter of the alphabet.  He labeled it "The If You're Bored Book." Here is the list, straight from the pen of an 8-year old boy (with a few minor edits for grammar and spelling):

1. Attack your brothers with lightsabers and start a duel.

2. Build a barricade.

3. Create a battle scene.

4. Dash over to the fish tank and watch the fish.

5. Eat a snack.

6. Fight invisible stormtroopers.

7. Get your brothers and make something up.

8. Help with housework.  Hide and seek. 

9. I don't know one for the letter I.

10. Jump off the couch.

11. Kites.

12. Let your brothers chase you.

13. Make obstacles for your brothers.

14. Need more time to think.

15. Open the windows and talk to your next door neighbor.

16. Paint.

17. Quiet reading.

18. Race around the house.

19. Slide down the stair railing.

20. Teleport to Disney World.  (Pretend.)

21. Use Legos to build weapons.

22. Very fast running.

23. Wash yourself.

24. X-ray the fish.

25. Yo-yo.

26. Zoo.

Yeah, I guess that sounds about right.  I think we're in for a long summer.