My husband likes to point out how loud I've become in the last few years. "You're definitely not the same girl I met in high school," he'll mutter and segue to how, somewhere between litigating and raising boys, the volume and pitch of my speech changed. Next, he'll nostalgically slip in a few adjectives like nice and quiet to describe the "old" me, purportedly in contrast to the "new" me, who can belt out orders like a drill sergeant on the first day of boot camp.
And it's not simply the change in decibels that is surprising. If I catch my breath, sometimes even I don't believe the words that come out of my mouth. Gone are the days of discussing which Jane Austen hero makes a better suitor--Darcy or Knightley; or what to serve for an afternoon tea--scones or sandwiches? Nowadays, conversations (and I use that term very loosely) instead revolve around such highbrow topics like how badly one needs to go potty, and the all-important question--pee or poop?
So I started making notes of absurdities uttered during the day that seem perfectly normal now that I'm a military sergeant (oh, I mean, mom of boys). After one week of careful linguistic observations, I offer a sampling of ten sentences I never imagined would become regular parts of speech:
1. Are you wearing underpants?
2. I don't care if he says he likes it; you're not allowed to barricade your brother inside a laundry basket.
3. What part of "Library books aren't meant to be used as skateboards" do you not understand?
4. Yes, I suppose it does sound like a fart; but I hope you realize you have other talents worth developing too.
5. That is quite possibly the most awesome supersonic flying automatic weapon you've ever built.
6. Is a booby trap really necessary here?
7. Even if we had more duct tape, I wouldn't give it to you.
8. Does that smell like pee to you?
9. Please tell me you didn't just drop that in the toilet.